


As The Ravager Turns - Season Two

by AsTheRavagerTurns, Athena83, celticheart72



Series: As The Ravager Turns [2]
Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies)
Genre: Canon Divergence - Movie: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Canon-Typical Violence, Crude Humor, Dildos, F/M, Family Bonding, Family Dynamics, Family Fluff, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Inappropriate Humor, Parent Yondu Udonta, Porn Watching, Post-Movie: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Sexual Humor, Small Penis, Team as Family, Yondu Udonta Lives, penis pump is mentioned, yondu thinks terran males have problems with sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2020-10-06 15:53:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 64
Words: 31,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20509583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsTheRavagerTurns/pseuds/AsTheRavagerTurns, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Athena83/pseuds/Athena83, https://archiveofourown.org/users/celticheart72/pseuds/celticheart72
Summary: A total crack fic space soap opera starring our favorite Ravager Captain Yondu Udonta, his girlfriend Zoe, his adopted sons Kraglin Obfonteri and Peter Quill, and their girlfriends Nebula and Gamora. The rest of the Guardians of the Galaxy will make appearances as will various Ravagers and other beings from around the Galaxies.SEASON TWO IS COMPLETE





	1. Episode 1

Zoe watches in horror as the A’askavariian agents struggle to handcuff Yondu.

“Sir, please calm down!”

The head agent approaches and takes a look around the scene. “What in the galaxy is going on here?”

“Yer guard was feelin’ me up, that’s what’s goin’ on here!”

“Sir, for the last time, I was not  _ feeling you up _ .” Turning his attention to the head agent, he adds, “I was doing a standard pat down and he panicked when I touched his back.”

The head agent walks closer to Yondu. “Is that right? You wouldn’t happen to be hiding anything there, would you, sir?”

“I ain’t hidin’ nothin’! I jus’ don’t appreciate nobody rubbin’ all over me in intimate areas.”

Zoe didn’t think A’askavariians could blush, but she could have sworn the one who’d conducted the pat down turned a slight shade of red.

“Sir! I was not touching you in any inappropriate places! Centaurians don’t  _ have _ intimate areas on their backs!”

“How’d’ya know what I got on my back?”

The head agent sighs. “Just take him to a cell until he calms down.”

Zoe has a brief thought of, “Please don’t use your arrow, Yondu,” when she hears a sharp whistle.

She closes her eyes and rubs her forehead. “He just  _ had _ to use his arrow.”

The reaction to Yondu’s arrow was instantaneous. All of the A’askavariians began to yell at once, one of them knocking Yondu to the ground.

“Yondu! Put your arrow away before they kill you!”

She couldn’t hear his response over the yelling of the A’askavariians, but the whistling stopped and his arrow quit zooming around. The agents took the opportunity to pull Yondu to his feet and drag him into the building behind them.

She glances over to see Peter pulling his Quad blaster out of its holster. “What are you  _ doing? _ ” she hisses.

“What do you think? I’m saving the old doofus!”

“Peter, you can’t just go in there firing your blaster! Then we’ll have to get  _ you _ out of jail.”

“She’s right.” Gamora places a hand on his arm, and he replaces the blaster in its holster.

“Fine. What are we going to do, then?”

Zoe sighs. “Let me go talk to them.”

* * *

_ Inside the Space Port _

“Y’all ain’t got no business stickin’ me in this cell! I ain’t done nothin’ wrong!”

The guard ignores him as he fills out paperwork. Yondu continues to rant until the guard looks up and calmly says, “You can have one phone call, sir.”

“I don’t need ta call nobody, she’s right outside.”

“She’s not allowed inside, sir. You have to call.”

“SHE’S RIGHT ON THA OTHER SIDE OF THA DOOR.”

“Sir.”

“Fine, dammit!”

The guard hands a communicator to Yondu and he pushes in a few commands to call Zoe.

* * *

_ In the main office of the Space Port _

“Can I talk to him, please?”

“He can’t have visitors yet.”

“But this is all just a big misunderstanding! He shouldn’t even be in a cell right now!”

“I’m sorry, you’ll have to wait until visiting hours.”

Zoe crosses her arms and takes a breath to tell the Agent exactly what she thinks of that when she hears her communicator beep.

She fumbles at her hip until she can release her communicator, then answers, a bit breathlessly. “Hello?”

“Darlin’, it’s me!”

“Yondu! How are you calling me? I thought you were in a cell!”

“I am. They gave me one call.  _ That’s tha least they can do after stickin’ me in this damn cell when they’s tha ones feelin’ me up!” _

“Yondu, please stop screaming into the phone and tell me what to do to get you out.”

“I dunno yet. Y’all think y’all can storm tha prison?”

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	2. Episode 2

Zoe closes her eyes. “Yondu, we’re not breaking you out. What happened out there anyway?”

“Nothin’.”

She couldn’t see him, but she could picture the look of stubbornness on his face perfectly clearly. “Yondu,  _ something _ happened. Just… just help me understand.”

“It ain’t nothin’. Jus’ don’t want nobody touchin’ me there, that’s all.”

“On your back?”

“Yeah, on my back!”

Zoe bit her lip as she tried to figure out what actually happened and why Yondu sounded so defensive.

“Yondu,” she says quietly. “I’ve never seen you react that way to someone touching your back...”

“Ain’t just my  _ back _ , just tha  _ way _ that damn agent was rubbin’ me an’ ain’t nobody allowed ta rub all over my back like that ‘cept you.”

“I don’t...” Zoe stops, understanding finally dawning on her.

She remembered a conversation she’d had with Yondu not long after they first got together. She’d asked him about the scars on his back, left over from when the Kree had removed his Tahlei, and he’d explained to her that the scars were still sensitive to the touch. Even though his Tahlei was gone, the area was still an erogenous zone.

“Oh, Yondu,” she says quietly. “Don’t worry, I’m going to get you out of there and then we’re going home, okay?”

Yondu huffs. “Okay, darlin’. I’ll jus’ sit here an’ wait on ya, I guess.”

Zoe smirks. “Don’t get too comfortable. I’m not planning on taking too long.”

* * *

“So you see, it’s just a sensitive area for Centaurians. I understand your Agent didn’t realize that, but maybe your Agents should refresh themselves about the anatomy of  _ all _ the different types of travelers who pass through before you do any more pat downs.”

The head Agent stares at Zoe over his desk as she stands across from him. “There’s also the matter of him attempting to attack the agents with his arrow...”

“In self-defense!”

The Agent shakes his head. “Fine, he’s free to go, but all of you are banned from using this Space Port. You’ll have to use a different one for any future traveling.”

* * *

Zoe joins Peter, Gamora, Kraglin, and Nebula, who are all sitting outside the Space Port building.

Peter stands. “Well? Are they letting him go?”

“Yeah, they are.”

“What did you say?”

“Just explained a few things.”

Gamora nods behind Zoe, who turns to see Yondu walking out of the building.

“Yondu!” She runs to him and wraps her arms around him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks fer gettin’ me out.”

Zoe leans back to look at him. “My pleasure. Can we go home now?”

“Yeah, let’s get outta here.”

Zoe takes his hand as they walk back to the ship. “Oh, by the way, we can add this port to our list of places we’re now banned.”

Yondu meets her eyes and grins. “Ya don’t sound too upset about it.”

Zoe laughs. “I’m getting kind of used to being banned from places.”

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	3. Episode 3

The walk back to the M-ship after the ordeal with the Space Port Authorities is unusually quiet. Too quiet, Zoe keeps thinking to herself. 

Yondu is brooding apart from everyone else. Peter and Kraglin are upset by the whole thing, probably thinking to some degree that they might’ve been visiting their Dad on some penal moon for years to come. Nebula wasn’t really bothered by any of it, her solution, after all, was to blow up the holding center to get Yondu out. And Gamora was quietly watching the whole thing, likely bracing for the next blow up from someone in their group.

At least everyone is sober.

Zoe rolls her eyes at that thought as they walk up the ramp to board the M-ship. Peter and Kraglin head up to the pilot box and Yondu sits down in the main cabin. His arms are crossed over his chest and the only way Zoe can describe his expression is pouty. 

Just as she’s about to sit down next to him, her com starts beeping. Without thinking, she presses the button to answer and her mother’s image pops up in front of her.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Hi, honey! When are you coming home to see your father and I? You know your Aunt Eda’s 90th birthday is next month.”

“I know, Mom. I’ll do my best, but I don’t know where in the universe we’ll be next month.”

“Alright, just try to make it home for it if you can.” Her mother smiles and then gets a thoughtful look on her face. “Honey, what’s a kittentizer?” 

Zoe stares at the screen for a few seconds, blinking rapidly trying to figure out what to say. She sees Yondu lift his head and open his mouth and quickly moves away from him before he can speak. 

“What’s wrong, honey?” Her mother’s face looks so earnest and so sweet, Zoe’s face starts to get hot at the idea of even trying to explain. 

Suddenly she starts making static sounds in the back of her throat as she stares at her mother’s expectant face. “Sorry, Mom...Got a bad signal...Going through a, um, asteroid field.” 

She quickly disconnects the call and drops her face into her hands.  _ WHAT _ in the world prompted her mother to bring  _ THAT _ up in a perfectly innocent discussion about her aunt’s 90th birthday?

And she thought Yondu’s lack of any form of filter was annoying. Her mother had to be the queen of innocently asking the most inappropriate questions at times.

Speaking of Yondu, he is still brooding in his chair. Zoe looks around before getting up and walking over to Yondu. She puts a hand over his and presses a kiss to the side of his head.

“I understand, Yondu.”

His eyes pinch and he looks at her, absently lacing his fingers with hers as he does so. “Wha’s tha’?”

“Why you got upset about the SPA agent touching your back.”

“Ain’t appropriate. Only you should be touchin’ me there.”

Zoe reaches up and runs her hand along his cheek. “I know, Yondu. It’s okay, we’ll just be more careful in the future.”

“Ain’t gonna happen again, next time I’m blastin’ ‘em.”

Rolling her eyes, she sighs and resigns herself to the fact that this is what she signed up for when she decided to leave Earth to be with Yondu.

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	4. Episode 4

“I been thinkin’, darlin’.”

“Oh? About what?”

“That fight at tha Space Port made me realize ya need ta know how ta fight.”

“You were the only one fighting at the Space Port, Yondu.”

Yondu ignores her. “Be good fer ya ta know how ta defend yerself.”

“Yeah, it is a good idea, that’s why -”

“An’ I can teach ya.”

“Yeah, but -”

“Don’tcha want me ta teach ya ta fight?”

“It’s not that, it’s just that -”

“Then it’s settled! We can start now, if ya want.”

Zoe sighs. “Fine, let’s start now.”

* * *

_ In the training room _

“Okay, darlin’, we’ll start with somethin’ real easy fer ya.”

Zoe smirks. “Okay. Show me how it’s done, Captain.”

Yondu shows Zoe some basic moves as she watches, amused. After about fifteen minutes, he stops and asks, “Ya ready ta try some of these?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Now don’t feel bad if ya can’t get ‘em right off. It’s gonna take some practice.”

“I know.”

“I’ll be here ta help ya.”

“I know.”

“Jus’ don’t want ya feelin’ discouraged ‘cause ya ain’t gettin’ it right away.”

“I won’t.”

“Good.” He smiles his crooked grin and beckons her closer to him. “Now, jus’ stand right there. I’m gonna come at ya like I’m gonna attack ya, an’ ya just show me what ya’d do in that situation. I know ya might not get me on tha ground, but we’ll work on fixin’ yer mistakes one at a time.”

Zoe bites back a laugh. “Sounds good.”

“Get ready, darlin’.”

“I’m ready.”

She moves into a defensive position as Yondu moves slowly towards her. She has to keep biting her lip to keep from laughing at how slowly he’s moving, but she knows he’s doing it because he doesn’t think she’ll be able to take him down, and she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings when he’s only trying to help.

When he gets closer, he reaches out to grab her, moving to toss her lightly to the floor. Zoe repositions her arms around him, then flips him onto his back on the floor.

Yondu looks up at her, stunned. “Tha hell…?”

Zoe laughs, unable to hold it back any longer, then reaches down a hand to him. “Are you okay?”

He takes her hand, and she helps him stand. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay. That was perty good fer yer first time. I’s goin’ easy on ya, though. This time I’m gonna make ya work fer it.”

Still grinning, she replies, “Okay.”

They move back into their positions and Yondu attacks her much faster this time, but Zoe easily has him on his back within seconds.”

“What tha hell’s goin on here, darlin’?”

Zoe bends over, unable to stop laughing. “The… the look on your… your face, Yondu.”

Yondu gets himself to his feet and stares at Zoe, baffled. “Ya wanna tell me how ya did that?”

“I… I tried to tell you earlier but you kept… kept interrupting me.” She wipes tears of laughter from her eyes. “Gamora and Nebula have already been teaching me to fight.”

“Oh, they have, have they?”

“Yep.”

“Why’ve ya been keepin’ it ta yerself?”

“I wanted to surprise you.”

“Well, ya definitely surprised me.”

Zoe laughs again. “Good.”

Yondu grins. “Ya wanna go work on some more moves, then?”

“Like what?”

He wraps his arms around her waist and winks. “Dunno. Ones we can practice in tha bedroom, maybe.”

Zoe smiles. “Yeah, I could go for some practice.”

Yondu smiles and leads her out of the room. 

  
  


_ What trouble will Yondu and his family get into next?  _

_ Find out next week on… As the Ravager Turns _


	5. Episode 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to maryehudson from Tumblr for the comment on Season 1 Episode 43 that prompted this episode.

About a week after the Space Port debacle, Zoe wakes up with a sore throat and stuffy nose. Groaning, she flops back onto the bed. It’s been months since she’s been sick and she dreads it every time because Yondu always overreacts. 

The last time she had a cold, he was determined to have her admitted to the hospital on Xandaria because he was afraid it was going to kill her.

Trying to explain to him that humans occasionally got a cold or the sniffles and it was okay didn’t work. He was still convinced humans were fragile and everything was potentially fatal. 

Yondu, as was his habit, had gotten up before her and was already out of their room. Zoe prays that she can keep her voice from sounding nasal. She is digging through one of the drawers in their room, looking for the cold medicine she’d gotten the last time when Yondu walks in carrying a tray.

“Hey darlin’. How’re ya feelin’?” 

She sighs and sits back down on the bed while he sits the tray down on the table. “How did you know?”

He simply shrugs. “I know how ya normally sound when ya sleep. Last night ya’s breathin’ with yer mouth instead of through yer nose.”

“Yondu, that has to be one of the sweetest, yet weirdest things, I’ve ever heard.” Zoe smiles at him as he picks up a glass from the tray and hands it to her. 

The liquid inside seems to be moving and it’s almost a fluorescent green. There are globs of something white and what looks like bark in it. She looks between the contents of the glass and Yondu’s expectant face.

“Uhm...Yondu…” Her eyes widen when something seems to surface and look at her then dives back into the liquid. She holds the glass as far away from her as possible. “What’s this?”

“It’s a old Centaurian remedy my mother used ta make when I’s a little’un. I’s always sickly back then and that stuff always made me feel better.”

Zoe watches as whatever is in the glass continues to swim around. She doesn’t want to hurt Yondu’s feelings, but she knows if she drinks what’s in the glass it’s just going to make things worse. 

“Wha’s wrong, darlin’?”

She’s fixated on whatever the little creature is in the glass. It seems awfully happy in its life not knowing that it’s doomed to die in someone’s stomach. That thought makes her stomach lurch and she had to hand the glass to Yondu so she doesn’t spill it everywhere while she runs to the bathroom and dry heaves into the waste receptacle.

“Guess this ain’t gonna help none?” Yondu walks in behind her and hands her a glass of water and a wet cloth.

“I don’t think I can drink it, Yondu. There’s something swimming in it.” Zoe swishes some of the water around her mouth and spits it out, then wipes her mouth with the cloth.

“Yeah, that’s a Centaurian slurb.”

“A what?”

“Slurb. Centaurians eat’em ta keep their immune system strong. They eat everythin’ and are immune ta all kinda disease.”

“Yondu?”

“Yeah, darlin’?”

“I’m not Centaurian.”

“I know.” He pauses for a second and realization seems to dawn on his face. He turns slightly purple. “Oh. Sorry, darlin’. I wasn’t really thinkin’. Jus’ wanted ya ta feel better.”

“I know. How about I stick to the cold medicine I got the last time we were on Terra?”

“Okay.” Yondu studies her for a minute and reaches a hand down to help her up. “But if ya ain’t better by tomorrow I’m takin’ ya ta the hospital on Xandar.”

Zoe just rolls her eyes and turns her head when Yondu downs the glass with the slurb in it.

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	6. Episode 6

“Hey, Zoe! Look what I found in a shop that sells Terran stuff on Xandar!”

He holds up a box and she reads the label. “Candy Land?”

“Yes! I thought we could play it tonight.”

“Oh. Oh, yeah, I guess we could.”

“The others are going to love it!”

Zoe considers saying she thinks a game for adults might be more interesting to the others, but changes her mind. “I’m sure they will.”

Peter runs out, presumably to go show off his treasure to the others, and Zoe laughs softly to herself. She’s amused that Peter is so excited about Candy Land, but then remembers that he was still a little boy when he left Terra, and the game was probably still fun to him at the time.

* * *

_ Later… _

Zoe and Yondu find Peter, Gamora, Kraglin, and Nebula sitting around a table in the common room. Peter is setting up the board for Candy Land.

“Great! Y’all are here. I’m telling you, this game is so fun.”

Zoe and Yondu settle in between Peter and Nebula, and Zoe catches Gamora and Nebula share a look at Peter’s enthusiasm.

“Okay, there are only four players at a time, so I thought me, Zoe, Kraglin, and Gamora could play first, and me and Zoe can help y’all with the rules.”

“Why can’t I play first?”

“Well, I mean, I thought you might just, uh, want to watch first, Yondu.”

“Im’ma fast learner. Don’t see why I can’t go first.”

Zoe takes Yondu’s hand under the table. “Peter’s probably just scared you’ll beat him on your first time to play.”

Yondu huffs. “Yeah, that’s probably true, ain’t it, Quill?”

“Uh, yeah, that’s it.”

Peter gives a brief overview of the game, including the names of the characters, which Zoe finds unnecessary, but she keeps her thoughts to herself.

The game begins and everything is going smoothly at first. The rules are quickly picked up by the others, and within a few minutes, Kraglin is declared the winner.

“Yes!”

Zoe bites her lip to hide her smile at Kraglin’s celebration, and then has to quickly look away from Peter’s crestfallen face before she laughs out loud.

“Okay, enough celebratin’, it’s mine an’ Nebula’s turn ta join. Kraglin, yer out ‘cause ya won.”

“Yondu, I don’t think that’s really a rule.”

“It is now.”

Kraglin huffs, but leans back in his chair as Nebula and Yondu lean towards the board, excitement etched all over Yondu’s face, a look of intense concentration on Nebula’s.

“I’ll sit this round out,” Gamora tells Zoe.

Zoe nods, though she’s a little concerned now that Yondu and Nebula have joined.

The game starts, and Zoe is thinking that maybe it won’t be so bad when suddenly Yondu slams the card he’s just picked up to the table.

“That ain’t right!”

Peter is unable to contain his glee. “Ha! You’ve gotta go back to almost the beginning of the board, Yondu!”

“No, I ain’t!”

“Uh, yeah, you don’t have a choice. You can’t cheat at Candy Land!”

“Ain’t cheatin’, I jus’ ain’t movin.’ I’ll jus’ sit here ‘til my next turn.”

“You can’t do that.”

“Who says?”

“The rules! Me!  _ King Kandy!” _

Zoe snorts, then quickly turns it into a cough. The others ignore her.

“I don’t care what King Kandy says!”

“You should care what he says!”

“Boys, please!” Gamora looks at Yondu. “The rules do say you have to go back.”

“Yeah, Yondu, I thought the Ravagers had a code!”

“Tha code don’t apply ta damn Candy Land, boy!”

“Well, it should!”

Zoe manages to get herself under control, then slides a hand to Yondu’s leg. “Yondu, come on. Move your piece to the space. You’ll get caught up again soon.”

He mumbles under his breath, but moves to the space indicated on his card, a few squares from the beginning. “Fine.”

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	7. Episode 7

The game continues, with only a few arguments breaking out – Nebula wanted to challenge Lord Licorice to a duel when she landed on a Gooey Gumdrops square and had to sit out two rounds – but then finally, to Zoe’s relief, the game ended, Peter victorious.

Jumping out of his chair, arms in the air, he begins to taunt Yondu. “I knew I could beat you, you old doofus!”

“Shut up, boy, ‘fore I kick ya off my ship! I challenge ya ta another round!”

“You can’t challenge people to Candy Land.”

“I jus’ did!”

“Fine!” Peter sits again and begins to get the board ready for another round.

“Gamora, you can play this round, I’ll sit out.” Zoe leans back as she shakes her head at the seriousness on both Yondu and Peter’s faces.

As the game progresses, Zoe is getting more and more worried that it’s going to end in bloodshed.

Yondu fails, once again after three turns, to draw the correct color to move forward. “Damn it! I ain’t sittin’ on this damn Gooey Gumdrops square forever!”

Zoe snickers at hearing Yondu say “Gooey Gumdrops,” and is grateful he’s too busy complaining to hear her.

Peter laughs. “Well, it looks like you’re gonna have to, Yondu.”

Yondu growls and Zoe rubs his back, trying to calm him down.

After several more tense minutes, the game ends when Gamora wins.

“Well done, sister. You were clearly the better fighter.”

“Nebula, there isn’t any… nevermind. Thank you.”

“Okay, let’s do one more round.”

“I don’t know, Peter. I mean, everyone is kind of… worked up now.” Zoe glances at Yondu, who’s glowering at the board.

“Just one more round. The winner of this one will be the Candy Land champion.”

Zoe sighs. “Fine.”

“So who’s in for the championship round?”

Yondu and Nebula immediately raise their hands, Kraglin hesitantly raising his a few seconds later.

Zoe and Gamora move their chairs back slightly, though Zoe isn’t sure if Gamora moved hers for the same reason. Zoe just didn’t want to be within arm's reach of Peter or Yondu if the game went south.

The championship round moves fast. There’s yelling, insults being thrown around, an attempt to shove the board off the table – fortunately, Gamora manages to stop it before it moves too far. No one is holding back.

On the final turn, Nebula and Peter are both close enough to the end to win. Yondu is mumbling under his breath, but Kraglin seems to have accepted his defeat. Considering he was just sent back to the beginning of the board, however, he must realize he has no hope of winning.

“C’mon, Neb, ya got this!”

“Thank you for your support, Kraglin.”

“’Course, Neb.”

Peter draws a card and moves one space forward, then returns his hands to his face, covering his mouth as he watches Nebula draw a card.

She slowly flips it to reveal two squares.

“What? No!” Peter is beside himself.

Nebula moves her piece into the Candy Castle, then reverently stands. “I have defeated my opponents. I have conquered the Land of Candy.”

Yondu sits back with a huff, and Zoe swears she sees tears in Peter’s eyes, but he stands too quickly for her to be sure. “I forgot I’ve got something to do. I’ll see y’all later.”

Zoe shakes her head at Gamora, who rolls her eyes, as Kraglin stands and salutes Nebula. 

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	8. Episode 8

After the whole Candy Land debacle, someone suggested Monopoly.

Zoe thinks it was Peter.

Peter swears it was Zoe.

Yondu doesn’t care who suggested it, he’s banned Monopoly from the ship. In fact, after the last game, it was sent out of the airlock.

It all started with them choosing their player tokens. Peter broke open the plastic and dumped them out on the Monopoly board. 

Nebula, Kraglin, and Yondu all went for the cat.

“Hey! Tha’s mine. Looks like a Flerkin. Could be good fer takin’ out my enemies.” Yondu yelled and snatched the little silver cat token back from Nebula, whose hand went to her hip where she normally kept her blaster.

Peter made that ‘psshhh’ sound that drove Gamora crazy. “There’s no enemies in Monopoly, Dad.”

“Wha’s the point in playin’ a game like this if there ain’t no enemies ta take down?”

“No, Yondu, the point of the game is to buy and develop property. See?” Zoe points to the part of the instructions that explains houses and hotels. 

Rocket is interested at that point and takes the instructions from her. “So the whole point of this game is to buy all the land and develop it to the point that I bankrupt the rest of you morons?” He snickers. “Fine, I’ll take that pointy thing.”

“No, you can’t have the battleship, Rocket. I’m always the battleship.” Peter snatches it off the board and Gamora rolls her eyes. 

Kraglin picks up the tophat and hands it to Nebula. “It’s a pretty hat.”

She fights the smile that starts on her mouth and accepts the token from Kraglin. “I will be the pretty hat.”

“Geez, give me the cup then.” Rocket rolls his eyes.

Zoe looks at the tokens on the board and picks up the thimble. “You mean this?”

“Yeah, it’s a cup ain’t it?” She puts it in his paw and he turns it over to study it.

“No, Rocket…” Peter starts, but Gamora covers his mouth.

“Yes, Rocket, it’s a cup.” She gives Peter a pointed look. 

Finally, after the ordeal of choosing playing pieces is done, they start to play. The first time Rocket passes go and collects $200, Peter yells it’s not fair. On Yondu’s next turn, he gets sent to jail and threatens to have the Flerken eat the guards. Nebula lands on Free Parking and collects the money. Kraglin and Peter get into a fight over Park Place.

Not even an hour has passed before the board is shoved to the floor and everyone is ducking for cover when Yondu’s arrow comes out and someone fires a blaster. Kraglin jumps on Peter and they start rolling around on the floor fighting like they did when Peter was a pre-teen. Drax picks up one of the tables and breaks it over Yondu’s head. Rocket is trying to shoot them all with his electro bolts to stun them. Gamora and Zoe are on the floor pulling each other’s hair and screaming. And Nebula is firing her blaster at the hotels and houses scattered all over the floor.

Finally, the cook comes in because some of the crew told him there was a fight in the mess hall and he turns the emergency sprinklers on. 

For several weeks after that, at the mention of Monopoly, the crew ducks for cover if any of them are around. 

After one particularly heated game, Kraglin, Peter, Drax, and Zoe end up in the infirmary. Yondu boxes everything up and sends it all out of the airlock immediately.

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	9. Episode 9

After the Monopoly nightmare, Peter suggests playing Twister since he doesn’t think it will be as stressful as the previous games. At first, everyone is against playing anything together, ever again, but Peter convinces the others that Twister is nothing like Monopoly.

Gamora and Kraglin take pity on him and agree to play, and they soon convince the others to join them.

“I don’t think we’re all going to fit on the mat at one time, so how about me, Gamora, Zoe, and Kraglin go first?”

“How come I ain’t ever gettin’ ta play tha first time on any of tha games?”

“Because you don’t know how to play.”

“Gamora an’ Kraglin don’t know how ta play, either, an they’s gettin’ ta play first.”

Peter sighs. “Fine, you can swap with Kraglin.”

“Nah, I don’t wanna go first.”

Peter opens his mouth to reply, then changes his mind and shakes his head instead. “Okay, so the rules are simple. Someone spins the spinner, and then the players have to place their hands or feet on the colored circle that matches the combination that’s called out.”

“That’s it?” asked Gamora.

“Yep. Last one to fall is the winner.”

The first round goes smoothly, Gamora winning.

Zoe returns to her spot next to Yondu, who says, “Ya looked mighty good out there, darlin’.”

“Thanks, Yondu! I used to love Twister when I was little… wait… you didn’t mean my Twister skills, did you?”

Yondu flashes her his shark’s grin. “Nope.”

Zoe slaps his arm playfully and laughs.

Baby Groot runs to the mat and hops onto one of the circles. “I am Groot!”

“He said he wants to play now.”

“I don’t know, Groot. You’re a little small for it,” says Peter.

The tiny  _ Flora colossus _ stomps his foot. “I am  _ Groot _ !”

“He says he’s not too small.”

Peter sighs again. “Fine.”

Rocket also walks onto the mat. “And I’m going to play this round, too. Make sure none of you accidentally lands on him.”

Kraglin encourages Nebula to join in, and she slowly walks to the mat. Peter picks up the spinner.

It starts off well, and then things get trickier when everyone starts getting tangled up.

“He bit me!” yells Kraglin.

“I did not!” Rocket snickers. “It was just a tiny nip to make you move over a little.”

“You can’t bite people, Rocket.”

“Fine! You take the fun out of everything, you know that, Quill?”

A few minutes later, Kraglin yells again. “Hey, Groot, that’s cheatin’!”

Groot had stretched his arm all the way to the other side of the mat to reach a red circle.

Rocket laughs. “Ain’t nothing in the rules that says you can’t stretch to reach the circles.”

“He’s right,” adds Zoe, looking up from the instructions.

Groot ends up winning that round, though Kraglin still grumbles that he cheated.

“I think ya should play tha next round, darlin’.”

“Don’t you want to play yet?”

“Nah, I like the view from over here just fine.”

Zoe narrows her eyes at Yondu, but walks to the mat.

“Hey, ‘Mora, you can play this round, too. I’ll keep calling out the colors.”

Gamora joins Zoe and Nebula on the mat, Rocket and Groot hopping onto the couch to watch.

“I think I’ll sit out this round, too,” says Kraglin, as he sits on the floor and leans back against the couch.

Mantis raises her hand. “I would like to play!”

“Of course, Mantis, come on.” Zoe motions her over to the mat.

During the round, Yondu and Peter can’t help but comment on some of the positions Zoe and Gamora get into in order to reach the circles.

“I swear, Yondu, if you don’t shut up, you’re going to be sleeping by yourself tonight.”

Peter laughs.

“I wouldn’t laugh if I were you, Peter. You might not be sleeping alone tonight, but if you make one more comment, you’ll wake up to find my knife at your throat.”

Neither of them comments again.

Kraglin, on the other hand, has been giving helpful suggestions to Nebula. “Put yer hand right there, Neb. That’s right. Easier to keep yer balance.”

Gamora and Zoe think it’s very sweet of him to help her, until suddenly, in a cold voice, Nebula says, “Are you trying to place me in a compromising position to better view me, Kraglin?”

“What? No! No, of course not, Neb!”

By the way he’s denying it, it’s obvious to everyone that that’s  _ exactly  _ what he was doing.

Nebula stands, the game forgotten, and reaches a hand toward her knife.

Kraglin holds his hands out in front of him. “Neb, wait! Before ya kill me, think of tha kittens! Ya don’t want ‘em growin’ up without a dad, do ya?”

Nebula hesitates. “You’re right.”

Her hand moves away from her knife and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.

“Reckon I should toss this game outta tha airlock, too,” mumbles Yondu. 

  
  


_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	10. Episode 10

Since all of the Terran games they tried caused some kind of a fight, Yondu decides to bring out a good old fashioned Ravager card game. He walks into the mess hall one evening and finds his ragtag little family sitting at a table eating their dinner. 

However, as soon as the other Ravagers see him walk in shuffling a deck of cards they very quickly clear the room. They’ve all learned their lesson about being around any of them when a game is being played.

“Hey, y’all!” He calls cheerily as he eyeballs the Ravagers making haste for the door.

Zoe looks up from her tray and smiles. “Hey there yourself.”

Yondu sits down next to her and gives her a kiss with a crooked grin. When he holds up the cards, Peter rolls his eyes.

“Come on, Dad. More games?” 

“Yeah, boy. ‘Cept this time we’s gonna play a Ravager game since Terrans make games fer fightin’.”

Peter and Zoe exchange a look. When Peter starts to say something, Zoe holds up her hand to stop him.

“Games for fighting?”

“Yeah, don’t see how yer children survive. All yer games seem ta be made to play ta the death.”

“Yondu, Terran children’s games aren’t played to the death.”

“Dude, I played those games with my Mom as a kid, and there weren’t any fights.”

Yondu eyes Peter up and down. “Yer Momma was a nice woman, she knew ya were soft.”

Peter starts to jump up but Gamora puts a hand on his shoulder. “I am not!”

Rocket snickers. “One sandwich away, Quill.”

“Dude!”

“Enough!” Yondu slams his hand down on the middle of the table. “We’re gonna play this here card game and have fun!”

“Pretty sure it’s gonna end in a fight,” Peter mumbles.

“Wha’ was that, boy?!”

Zoe jumps in. “It’s going to be so much fun. That’s what Peter said.”

As Yondu explains the game, it sounds a lot like Poker to Zoe except the cards have a bunch of weird symbols and characters on them. 

Kraglin looks around the table. “What’re we gonna play fer, Dad?”

Yondu looks around and grabs the bag of Zagnuts Drax was eating.

“Hey! Those are mine.”

“Now they’re bets.” Yondu evenly passes out the rest of the Zagnuts and hands the empty bag back to Drax, who looks inside it with a frown.

Zoe wins the first hand and Yondu watches her pull the pile of Zagnuts toward her with a smirk. 

“Beginner’s luck, darlin’.”

“Uhhhh...yeah.” She laughs softly and shuffles the cards to deal the next hand.

Gamora wins that hand and she smiles triumphantly at Peter who made several poor attempts to help her. 

“Yeah, ‘Mora...that was...uh...beginner’s luck. Dad, Kraglin, and I will clean you guys out now.”

“Sure you will, Peter.” She pats his hand and shuffles the deck. 

After ten rounds, Kraglin and Drax have lost all of their Zagnuts. Rocket has almost as many as Zoe and Gamora. Nebula has threatened to blast the Zagnuts into oblivion if Drax doesn’t shut up. And Yondu and Peter are pouting and just barely holding on.

When Zoe wins the eleventh hand, Peter makes that annoying ‘psshh’ sound, and Gamora momentarily considers blasting him for it when he tosses his cards to the middle of the table. “I’m out!”

Yondu is looking back and forth between Zoe and Gamora, whose piles of Zagnuts are about equal. “I think y’all girls are cheatin’.”

“Why? Because we’re winning?” Zoe’s tone is deadly and Yondu, of course, misses it.

“Ain’t no way ya learned this game that fast! I been playin’ fer years and ain’t never lost!”

Gamora and Zoe look at each other and Gamora passes Yondu the cards. “Fine, you shuffle and deal. We shall see who is victorious.”

Gamora wins the hand and everyone immediately dives to the floor, overturning chairs in the process, when Yondu whistles.

Several minutes later, when they’re all sure his arrow is back in its holster, they get up to find the cards scattered everywhere with holes through the middle of them.

Peter looks at them all and shakes his head. “I knew it would end in a fight.”

“Shut up boy, ‘fore I send my arrow after ya!”

“Can I have my Zaguts back now?”

Nebula unholsters her blaster and incinerates the Zagnuts before leaving the mess hall.

Card games with any kind of betting involved are banned from the Eclector after that.

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	11. Episode 11

Yondu decides to go to Terra to find a gift for Zoe to try to make up for accusing her of cheating at the card game. While he’s walking through the mall, he passes a Victoria’s Secret store. It isn’t his favorite place to shop since he discovered Pornorama – Ruby is much nicer than the salespeople in Victoria’s Secret – but he can sometimes find nice things for Zoe there.

When he walks into the store, he sees a sign hanging just inside: “Going Out of Business Sale! All merchandise is 50% off.”

Yondu stops walking, horrified at the implications of the shop closing. He’s suddenly hit with the fear that Pornorama is also closing, and he runs out of Victoria’s Secret.

He leaves the mall, ignoring the shouts of the people he’s pushed aside in his hurry, then skids to a stop in front of the entrance to Pornorama. Running inside, he shouts, “Ruby!”

Ruby hurries out from behind a display of lingerie, a look of concern on her face. “What’s wrong? Is someone hurt?”

“Are ya closin’?”

Her look of concern turns to one of confusion. “What?”

“Is tha shop closin’?”

“We don’t close until 10:00 tonight. You’ve got plenty of time to shop.”

“Nah, I mean are y’all closin’ fer good?”

“No! Why do you ask?”

“Saw where that shop where Victoria keeps her secrets is closin’ an’ I was worried y’all was gonna close, too.”

Ruby smiles. “Nope, we’re not going anywhere.”

“Glad ta hear it.”

“Do you want to see some of our new products since you’re here?”

Yondu grins. “I’d love ta see ‘em.”

* * *

_ Later, on the Eclector… _

Yondu bursts into the room he shares with Zoe. “Darlin’, it’s time ta celebrate!”

She looks at the many shopping bags he’s carrying and raises a brow. “Why?”

“They ain’t closin’!”

“ _ Who’s _ not closing?”

“Pornorama!”

“That’s… good?”

“’Course it’s good, darlin’!” He hands one of the shopping bags to her. “I got this fer ya, fer sayin ya’s cheatin’ at cards.” He tosses the other bags on the bed. “An’ these others are ta celebrate Pornorama not closin’!”

“I don’t think we’ll ever have to worry about them closing, Yondu. You buy enough to keep them in business forever.”

“Yer right!” He grins as he picks up one of the bags again. “Ya wanna try out what’s in this bag?”

“What is it?”

His grin widens. “It’s a surprise.”

Zoe smirks. “Yeah, let’s try it out.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	12. Episode 12

Zoe is watching Peter play Super Mario Bros as she patiently waits for her turn. “I can’t believe Yondu let you have a Nintendo on the ship. I would have thought he’d think video games were a waste of time.” 

“Yeah, well, he would have thought  _ video games _ were a waste of time...”

“What are y’all doin’ in here? Thought that was trainin’, boy.”

Zoe turns and smiles at him. “Oh, hey, Yondu! We’re just play-”

Peter quickly interjects, “Training! We’re just doing extra training.”

Zoe looks at Peter curiously, then back at Yondu.

“I still don’t reckon yer gonna run inta any mushrooms that are gonna attack ya.”

“Well, you never know. Gotta be prepared, just in case...”

Yondu sits next to Zoe and watches as Peter continues to play. “What’re those things s’posed ta be?”

“They’re Goombas.”

“Goombas? Ain’t never heard a them. What planet are they from?”

“From the planet of… Mushroom Kingdom.” 

Yondu looks skeptical. “Mushroom Kingdom, huh? Ain’t never heard a that.”

Peter hands the controller to Zoe after he fails to make it to the end of the level.

Zoe grins as she takes it, but Yondu shakes his head. “Don’t worry if ya can’t get it the first time. Trainin’ is fer learnin’. It’s okay ta make mistakes.”

Zoe bites her lip to keep from laughing. “Thanks, Yondu, I’ll remember that.”

As Zoe moves through levels with obvious ease, Yondu grows suspicious. “This yer first time ta train on this program?”

“Um, it is my first time to  _ train  _ on it, yeah.” 

“Yondu! I just got a comm from Kraglin. He’s looking for you.”

“I didn’t hear ya get a comm, boy.”

“Yeah, I’ve got my wrist communicator on silent.” Peter’s wrist communicator suddenly beeps with an incoming message. “Er, that’s Gamora… I don’t put her on silent...”

Yondu narrows his eyes. “How come Kraglin didn’t just comm me if he needed me?”

“I don’t know. You’d have to ask him, I guess.”

“Huh. Well, I better go see what he wants. Good luck on yer trainin’, darlin’.”

“Thanks, Yondu.” 

After he leaves, Zoe turns to Peter. “Soooo… training, huh?”

“Yeah. I had to tell him that so he’d let me have a Nintendo.”

“And he never figured it out?”

“Nope.” He grins. “Just thought I was keen to learn.”

All of the Ravagers are now unknowing Nintendo champions because they did so much training, while in reality, they were just playing video games, much to young Peter’s delight. 

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	13. Episode 13

“I’m telling you, Zoe, Yondu will never know this is a game and not training.” Peter puts a game labeled Halo into the Xbox he got at a junker shop.

Zoe shakes her head. “I don’t know, Peter, Yondu was pretty suspicious about the whole Mario thing.”

“Psssshhhh. He’ll definitely think this one is training.”

Kraglin walks into the rec room just as Peter’s character is killed and he throws the controller to the floor. “What’re y’all playin’?”

Peter leans back and looks behind Kraglin. “Shhhhhh, Krags! It’s not a game. It’s  _ training _ .”

The first mate rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “Ohhh...sure. What’re y’all trainin’ fer then?”

Zoe is all into the game, leaning side to side as she moves the controller, and stabbing the controller toward the holoscreen as she fires her weapon at the enemies in the game. “Die you little grunt fuckers! Die!!”

“Use a plasma grenade, Zoe!”

“Watch yer six!”

“Fire at the ones in front of you!”

“What are you idio...what are you three doing?” Nebula walks in just as one of the flood explodes and Zoe’s character dies.

“Dammit!” Zoe tosses the controller to the floor and balls her fists in frustration.

Nebula holds her hand out for the controller. “You need a better strategy.”

“I’ll play with ya, Neb.” Kraglin sits down on the floor with Nebula and picks up the other controller.

“What are you playing now?” Gamora walks in then and Nebula snatches the controller from Kraglin to hand it to her. 

“Training!” Peter grumbles.

“Sister, you are a more formidable opponent than Kraglin.”

“Neb!”

“It is the truth.”

He pouts a little until she pats his knee. 

“You are not very formidable, but you are a good mate.”

Kraglin pauses to think about that and shrugs as he gives up his seat to Gamora.

Within ten minutes, Gamora and Nebula have nearly mastered the game and Peter turns the difficulty up to expert. 

All of them are shouting at the game when Yondu walks into the room.

“Wha’ the hell’s goin’ on in here?”

“Training!” They all yell at once.

Yondu stands there for a minute staring at the holoscreen with his hands on his hips. “Are them Kree?”

“Yeah!” Peter shouts. “Gamora, grenade!”

“Got it. Nebula, cover me!”

“I have your back, sister.”

Yondu moves next to the screen and points at an open space. “Get in there, girls, and drop some grenades, then run!”

They follow his instructions and take out all the enemies on the screen.

“Y’all girls did a good job.” Yondu looks at Peter and Kraglin. “I think y’all boys need some practice, though.”

“Dad! You haven’t even seen us pl...train on this ga...simulator yet.”

“Don’t need ta. Y’all boys’re always gettin’ inta trouble on missions.” He looks between the girls. “Y’all girls teach ‘em how it’s done. Let me know when they’s trained up.”

“We will train the idiots.”

Yondu smiles and leaves the room.

“Told you he would think this was training.” Peter grins at Zoe.

Gamora and Nebula look at each other and roll their eyes.

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	14. Episode 14

Yondu walks in to find Peter and Zoe playing Nintendo again. This time it’s Donkey Kong.

“Y’all trainin’ again?”

Peter glances over his shoulder. “Uh, yeah.”

“I wanna try it.”

“You want to train?”

“Yeah, I watched y’all train all them years. Reckon it’s time I see how it works. Didn’t really need any trainin’ myself.”

Zoe turns her laugh into a cough and Peter hands the controller to Yondu.

It doesn’t take long for Yondu to get mad. “Tha hell’s that thing?”

“That’s Donkey Kong.”

“So  _ that’s _ a donkey kong. Well, why’s he throwin’ stuff at me?”

“It’s to… train your reflexes.”

Yondu curses when he gets hit by a fireball.

“You’re supposed to jump, Yondu.”

“Oh...”

The level restarts and when the fireball approaches this time, Yondu lifts the controller in the air.

“Why ain’t I jumpin’?!”

Zoe tries not to laugh. “You have to press the A button.”

“Tha  _ what _ button?”

“Here.” She leans over and points to the A button. “Push that one to jump.”

“Oh.”

He successfully manages to jump over the next fireball. “Did ya see that, darlin’? I’m a natural at this!”

His victory is cut short. “What tha hell? I pushed tha A button! Why didn’t I jump?”

“It just glitches sometimes.”

“That ain’t right!”

“Yondu, calm down. It’s just a ga-... training tool.”

Peter shoots Zoe a look at her slip-up, but Yondu is still too preoccupied with trying to jump over the fireballs to even notice.

Yondu makes it almost to the top, then gets hit by a barrel as he’s gloating. “Damn it! I’m gonna kill that Donkey Kong!”

He tries again but is hit by another barrel. He throws the controller as he stands up. “That’s it! I got better things ta do than jump over barrels and fireballs.”

“Dude! Don’t throw the controllers!”

“Need ta throw tha whole thing out! Can’t believe I let all y’all waste so much time on this trainin’. Bet it ain’t taught y’all nothin’. Must be why yer reflexes are so bad now, boy.”

“Hey!”

Yondu ignores Peter. “I’m goin’ ta get somethin’ ta eat. See y’all later.”

He stomps out of the room and Zoe can’t help but laugh under her breath. “Poor Yondu.”

“Poor Yondu?! He said my reflexes were bad!”

“Well...”

“I’ll show you how good my reflexes are!” He picks up the controller and restarts the game. “Loser has to pay the winner 100 units.”

Zoe smirks. “You’re on.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	15. Episode 15

There’s a lull in missions so Peter decides to go to Terra and visit his grandparents, and Gamora, Zoe, and Yondu tag along.

Everything is going well and Yondu hasn’t caused any mayhem this trip. Until he sees Janis using the computer to look up a recipe.

“Hey Janis, wha’s tha’ yer doin’?”

She glances over her shoulder to see him squinting at the computer screen with his arms folded over his chest.  _ At least he’s stopped wearing that infernal arrow and duster everywhere he goes _ , she thinks.

“I’m looking for a new recipe to try while you’re all here this time.”

Yondu moves closer and studies the screen. “Huh. Yer TV has recipes?”

Janis laughs lightly and shakes her head. “No, Yondu, this is the computer. I’m looking on the internet.”

“Wha’s a computer?”

“It’s what we use here on Earth to store and process information.”

“Huh. Kinda like our holo interfaces on the ship.”

“I suppose it’s similar.”

“Wha’s the internet?”

Janis inwardly groans as she tries to explain the internet and Google to Yondu. He catches on quickly and helps her find a new recipe for a casserole that they both think everyone will like. She leaves him to explore the internet on his own while she goes to the grocery store.

Several hours later, Zoe walks into the den to find Yondu on the computer. “There you are, I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

Yondu smiles and turns excitedly to Zoe while pointing at the screen. "Darlin', yer never gonna believe it. Lookit this! Ya can find anythin' ya want!" 

Zoe rolls her eyes when he isn’t looking. "Yondu, I know about the internet. What I want to know is who told  _ you _ about it?”

“I helped Janis look fer a recipe on here. She showed me all about the internet an’ worldwide webs and Goggles.”

“Google.”

“Wha’?”

“It’s  _ Google _ , Yondu, you said goggle.”

“Oh yeah, got it. Goggle.”

“Goo…you know what, nevermind. I think I’ll ask Gamora if she wants to go for a walk.” She presses a kiss to his head and leaves him to his internet exploration.

Fifteen minutes later, Zoe and Gamora have just gotten to the end of the Quill’s driveway when Peter races past them with Yondu’s arrow in pursuit.

“PETER JASON QUILL!!! Ya told me Nintendo was fer trainin’! It’s a Terran kids game!”

“How do you know that, you old doofus?”

“GOGGLE told me!!” Yondu yells as he runs past them.

Zoe looks at Gamora with some concern on her face. “Do you think we should help Peter?”

“No. Yondu won’t actually kill him, maybe it will teach Peter a lesson.”

They share a look and start laughing as they hear Peter yelp further up the street. 

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	16. Episode 16

“I’m going to bed now, Yondu. Are you coming?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there soon, darlin’. Jus’ gonna watch a little more TV with Gregg.”

“Okay, goodnight.”

“Night, darlin’.”

Gregg glances over at Yondu and clears his throat. “I think I’m going to head to bed, too.”

“Oh, ‘course.”

Gregg hands the remote to Yondu and says, “Feel free to stay up as long as you want. Just use this to change the channels.”

Yondu gives Gregg a quick nod then turns back to the TV, changing channels swiftly as he searches for  _ Alf _ . He stops suddenly and grins when he sees the Home Shopping Network.

After a few minutes, the website for HSN pops up at the bottom of the screen and he scrambles to the computer to type it in. “Well, would ya look at that.”

He walks into the room he’s sharing with Zoe, and whispers, “Zoe, ya asleep yet?”

She sits up and replies sleepily, “What’s wrong, Yondu?”

“I need a credit card number.”

“ _ Why? _ ”

“Tha Home Shopping Network has a website! Can ya believe there’s a whole channel fer that  _ As Seen on TV  _ stuff? I need ta buy some stuff.”

“No, you don’t, Yondu. You need to come to bed.”

“I will soon, I promise, darlin’. Jus’ gonna see what they show next on HSN.”

Zoe shakes her head as he runs out of the room. She knows she’s in trouble if he’s already calling it  _ HSN _ . She relaxes a little when she remembers he doesn’t have a credit card.

* * *

Zoe walks into the living room the next morning to find Yondu still watching HSN.

“Did you stay up all night, Yondu?”

“Nah, I napped here on tha couch. Guess what I bought!”

“How did you buy anything without a credit card?”

Yondu grins at her proudly. “I gotta credit card now!”

“ _ What?! _ ”

“Yeah, found out how ta do it on tha internet. We’s gotta get tha internet on tha ship, darlin’.”

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea...”

“Sure it is! Gotta have a way ta shop HSN when we ain’t here on Terra.” He suddenly stops and thinks for a moment, then says, “I wonder if Pornorama has a website!”

Zoe sighs as she watches Yondu run to the computer. 

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	17. Episode 17

A few nights later, Yondu is up late again watching  _ Alf  _ and searching the internet on his newly-purchased laptop. He discovers Ebay and decides to search for Alf to see what he can find.

To his delight, he discovers a myriad of Alf memorabilia, like t-shirts, bobbleheads, figurines, and even DVDs of all of the episodes of the show. He winds up buying the DVDs, a t-shirt, and a bobblehead, which he pays extra on his credit card for expedited shipping to get it to the Quill’s house the next day.

His t-shirt and bobblehead arrive at the same time and he immediately runs upstairs to open the package.

Zoe walks into the room just as he’s pulling the t-shirt on. “Yondu, what did you buy now?”

He turns around with a big grin on his face and Zoe internally cringes. Peter is definitely not going to be happy. “Lookit, darlin’. I found Alf on that Ebay thing that Goggle found fer me.”

She has to admit the way he fills out the t-shirt is kind of nice. “I like the t-shirt, Yondu, it fits you well.”

“Izzat so?” He grins wickedly at her as she smooths the fabric over his chest.

“Mmmmhmmm, maybe we can see how it looks on the floor.”

* * *

Later that night, Yondu is sitting on the couch watching TV with Gregg when Peter walks in the room with a bowl of popcorn. He almost drops the bowl when he sees the Alf t-shirt Yondu is wearing and turns green when he sees the Alf bobblehead sitting on the coffee table.

Gregg can see the two need a minute and gets up from his recliner. “Think I’m going to get some more tea, you two want anything?”

“Naw, thanks, Gregg.”

Peter just shakes his head and waits until his grandfather leaves the room before rounding on Yondu. "Why would you buy that, Dad???" 

Yondu looks at the bobblehead and taps it to make it dance. "I like 'im. It's cute. Can't help it ya got somethin' against Alf."

"You're the reason I have something against Alf!"

“Ain’t my fault yer squeamish, boy.” Yondu shakes his head and chuckles as he makes the bobblehead dance some more.

“I’m taking my popcorn upstairs.”

The Quill’s cat walks in the room just as Peter disappears up the stairwell. Yondu grins at the feline who growls lowly at him and bounds up the stairs after Peter.

“All okay?” Gregg asks as he returns to the room with a fresh glass of tea and looks between Yondu and the stairs.

“Yep. Wanna watch  _ Alf _ ?”

Gregg shrugs and hands Yondu the remote.

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	18. Episode 18

While browsing the internet one day, Yondu discovers YouTube. He spends hours watching videos, much to the dismay of Peter, who has to listen to him make references to popular videos all day the next time they’re stuck on a mission together.

After a few hours, Yondu stumbles across videos about making soap. He’s fascinated, and after the sixth video, he decides to try to make some on his own. He finds a website that sells supplies and immediately orders some. 

He pays for faster shipping, happily using his new credit card, then waits impatiently next to the door on the day the package is scheduled to arrive. He nearly gives the delivery man a heart attack when he throws the door open as soon as the man steps onto the porch.

“That my soap-making supplies?!” he yells.

The man clutches his chest and stumbles back. “I… I don’t know.”

Yondu grabs the package and runs back inside, slamming the door in the face of the stunned delivery man.

* * *

_ Three hours later… _

“Peter, have you seen Yondu?”

“Yeah, he’s in the garage.”

“What’s he doing out there?”

“I don’t know. The door is locked and he wouldn’t let me inside.”

Zoe raises a brow then heads to the garage.

Knocking on the door, she calls, “Yondu, are you in there?”

“Yeah, darlin’.”

“What are you doing?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“Can I come in?”

“Nah, it’d ruin tha surprise fer ya.”

Zoe bites her lip. “Um, Yondu, is everything okay in there? You’re not going to mess up the Quills’ garage, are you?”

“Nah, ever’thing’s fine, darlin’. Ya ain’t gotta worry.”

“Okay… well, don’t stay out here too long.”

* * *

_ Two days later… _

Yondu finds Zoe in the kitchen with Janis, laughing companionably about something Janis just said.

“Oh, hey, Yondu!”

“Hey, darlin’.” He kisses her cheek then smiles at Janis. “Hey, Janis.”

“Hi, Yondu.”

He joins them at the table and then pulls two small, badly-wrapped packages out of his pockets, handing one each to Zoe and Janis.

“Made somethin’ fer y’all.”

Zoe hesitates before opening hers. “You made these?”

“Yeah.”

“What is it?”

“Open it an’ see.”

Janis is waiting for Zoe to open hers first, and Zoe bites her lip as she finally begins to open it. She stops, stunned, when she sees what’s inside.

“You… you made  _ soap _ ?”

“Yep.”

“ _ How _ ?”

“Well, first ya gotta-”

“No, I mean, how did you even  _ know _ about soap-making?”

“Saw it on YouTube.”

“You watch _ YouTube _ now?”

“Yep.”

Janis has finally opened her soap and is inhaling deeply. “Yondu, this smells  _ lovely _ !”

Yondu grins. “Thanks.”

Zoe lifts her bar of soap to her nose. “This  _ does _ smell amazing, Yondu.” She smiles at him softly. “You’re just full of surprises.”

He winks. “Sure am.”

They hear a distant yell from outside.

“Was that Gregg?” asks Janis.

Yondu stands suddenly. “Gotta go clean tha garage.”

Zoe’s smile falls. “Why?”

“Tha first few batches didn’t turn out so good. Gregg mighta found ‘em.”

Zoe closes her eyes. “I knew it was too good to be true.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	19. Episode 19

Yondu decides to search the internet again to see if Pornorama has a website. They don’t, but he finds several other adult toy websites, which also leads him to various porn websites.

At one point he stumbles on a video where a couple are using various toys during sex and from Yondu’s perspective the male partner is fairly small. Of course, he really has no basis for comparison between human males, so he just assumes all Terran males are small.

He’s leaning forward and squinting at the screen when the woman brings out a dildo much larger than the male’s penis. “Huh, tha’ Terran sex problem mus’ be worse than I thought.”

That leads him to worry about Peter again. Then he starts thinking that Zoe must really feel lucky not to have to deal with all the problems Terran males have with sex.

One thing leads to another and he’s looking up penis pumps and male enhancement off of the advertisements that come with the porn sites he’s found. Finally, he thinks he’s found a solution and heads up the stairs and barges into Peter and Gamora’s room.

Peter bolts upright with his quad blaster in hand and Gamora swings her hand out to extend her sword as she sits up, holding the sheet to her chest.

“Dad? What the hell are you doing in here at…” Peter looks over at the clock. “Two in the morning?”

“I gotta solution to your Terran sex problem.”

Peter plops back down onto the bed with a groan. “Yondu, for the last time.  _ I do not have a problem. _ ”

Yondu steps further into the room, failing to notice that Gamora has not withdrawn her sword. He turns the laptop around so they can see the penis pump he has on the screen. “’Course ya do, yer Terran. Lookit what I found. Terrans got what they call penis pumps…”

“’Mora…”

“Yondu, I can assure you that Peter does not have an issue and doesn’t need a…” She rolls her eyes dramatically. “…penis pump.”

“But…”

Gamora waves her sword menacingly.

“Alright, alright. We can talk ‘bout it in the mornin’.”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Yondu!” Peter whisper yells and throws his pillow at Yondu as he retreats out of their room.

Yondu grumbles all the way to the room he’s sharing with Zoe and when he gets inside, she’s sitting up in bed rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

“What’s the matter, Yondu?”

He purses his lips as he sets the laptop on the bed and starts to get undressed. “Tryin’ ta help Peter out with this Terran sex problem and he don’t wanna hear ‘bout penis pumps.”

Her eyes widen in surprise and she looks between him and the laptop screen which she reaches out to close. “Oh, Yondu, you didn’t.”

“I’s just tryin’ ta help.”

She thinks for a minute about how he would have found out about penis pumps. “Wait, how did you even find out that was a thing?”

“I’s lookin’ ta see if Pornorama had a shop on Goggle...”

“Google.”

“Yeah, there. And found some videos…”

“You mean porn?”

“Tha’ wha’ it’s called? Anyway, the guy in one of the videos was small…” He looks incredulous at this. “His girlfriend needed one of them rubber cocks…”

“You know what, Yondu. Nevermind. Just come to bed.”

“Alright.” He finishes undressing and climbs into bed next to her. “Ain’t ya glad we ain’t got those problems?”

Zoe bites her lip to keep from laughing while she thinks they have a whole other set of issues. “Very glad, Yondu.”

He grins at her. “Too bad we ain’t got none of them edible panties with us.”

“I don’t think we need them, do we?”

“Naw.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	20. Episode 20

Yondu and Kraglin are working in the control room when a sudden unearthly noise echoes down the hall of the Eclector.

“What tha hell’s that noise? Someone dyin’?”

Kraglin shrugs his shoulders. “Dunno. Think we should go check it out?”

Yondu nods and the two of them run towards the noise. As they get closer, the noise becomes increasingly louder. 

“Ya think one of y’all’s furry critters got hurt?”

Kraglin pales. His first thought is that Nebula will kill him if the kittens get hurt, and his immediate second thought is that he’ll kill whoever hurt one of his babies. 

As they turn a corner, they slide to a stop, expecting to find injured kittens. Instead, they see Peter standing there holding a small piece of plastic to his mouth.

Yondu leans over, hands on his knees, as he tries to catch his breath. “What’s… what’s wrong with ya, son? Ya sick?”

“What are you talking about, you old doofus?”

“We thought ya’s dyin’, Pete. Why’re ya makin’ that noise?”

Peter gives both of them a confused look, then says, “It’s a kazoo.” He holds it up so they can see it. “You play music with it.”

He lifts it to his lips and hums, causing the kazoo to echo loudly off the walls of the Eclector. 

Yondu scowls. “Where’d ya get it?”

“I bought it while we were visiting my grandparents.”

“Well ya shoulda left it on Terra.”

“It doesn’t sound that bad!”

“It sounds like dyin’ orlonis.”

Peter looks offended. “Whatever, I’ll just go play it for Gamora.”

He turns to walk off and Yondu yells at his retreating back. “Ya better not play it fer nobody!”

* * *

Peter finds Gamora in the weapons room. “’Mora, listen to this!” He hums loudly and Gamora covers her ears.

“What kind of weapon is  _ that _ ?”

“It’s not a weapon… it’s a musical instrument.”

Gamora looks skeptical. “Musical instrument?”

“Yeah. Yondu says it sounds like a dying orloni, but what does he know? It doesn’t sound that bad, does it?”

Gamora raises a brow. “Peter, it sounds terrible. If you bring that into our bedroom, you will be banned forever.”

* * *

Rocket steals the kazoo and uses it to scare people awake. He almost gives Kraglin a heart attack, but immediately regrets it when Nebula is instantly at his side with a knife to his throat. 

Baby Groot takes it because he likes the way it sounds and he plays it constantly, much to the dismay of the others. He manages to get into the air vents and they can’t find him no matter how long they search. They only hear the constant, echoing kazoo. 

“Rat! Where tha hell’s Twig?”

“How am  _ I  _ supposed to know, you blue idiot? He doesn’t listen to me, either!”

  
  
_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	21. Episode 21

Yondu walks into the rec room a few days after the initial kazoo debacle and finds Zoe sitting on the couch doing something on a holopad. “Hey, darlin’.”

She doesn’t respond and Yondu assumes she’s busy, so he goes on about what he’s doing.

Later in the day he’s coming out of control and he sees her walking down the hall away from him.

“Darlin’!” His ruby eyes watch her back as she continues down the hall, seemingly ignoring him. “Hey, Zoe!!”

Zoe doesn’t respond and turns the corner without looking back at him.

Yondu stands there, scratching his head when Kraglin walks up.

“Cap’n?” Kraglin narrows his eyes to follow where Yondu is looking down the hall.

“Huh?” Yondu turns to Kraglin with a puzzled expression.

“Somethin’ wrong?”

“Wha’ the hell makes ya think somethin’s wrong?”

Before Kraglin can respond, Yondu stomps down the hall, leaving Kraglin behind scratching his head.

Yondu has several more encounters with Zoe where she appears to be ignoring him and he gets more and more aggravated.

That evening when he goes into the quarters he shares with Zoe, she’s already in bed.

“Darlin’?” There’s complete silence. “Damnit, darlin’, if yer mad at me just tell me!”

He stares at her back for a few seconds before reaching out to shake her shoulder.

When she rolls over to face him, she smiles and reaches up to pull something off her head. It looks like the things Peter wore on his ears as a kid listening to his walk thing. He has the sudden image flash through his mind of finding Peter in an air vent wearing those damn things and not responding to his name.

“Hey, Yondu, I haven’t seen you all day. You must have been really busy.”

He’s still staring blankly at her and she starts to get concerned.

“Yondu, are you okay?”

Yondu shakes his head. “Yeah, darlin’. I’m fine. Where’d ya get Quill’s walk ear things?”

Zoe’s face scrunches in confusion until she realizes he’s referring to the headphones in her hand. “These? I got them yesterday after the whole kazoo fiasco because I couldn’t concentrate on the engineering manual I was studying.”

“Ya been listenin’ ta an engineerin’ manual?”

“Yes, why?”

He shakes his head and chuckles. “I thought ya were ignorin’ me today.”

“No, Yondu. Of course not. Why would you even think that?”

“Dunno, guess I figured ya were still mad.”

Zoe smiles and kisses him. “No, I’m not. Now why don’t you come to bed?”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	22. Episode 22

After two days, Zoe finally finds Groot asleep at the entrance to an air vent, his arms wrapped around the kazoo. She hesitates for just a moment before slowly removing the kazoo from his arms and slipping it into her pocket. She doesn’t want to take his fun away, but she would also like to sleep through an entire night without having to hear a kazoo in her dreams.

Unfortunately, she takes it out of her pocket when she’s looking for something else and leaves it on a table in the mess hall. By the time she realizes it and goes back to get it, it’s gone.

The kazoo noise starts up again, but this time no one knows who is causing it. Everyone blames it on someone else, and Zoe starts to believe it’s just getting passed among the crew.

Peter and Zoe constantly wear their headphones, and Rocket has improved an old pair of Peter’s earmuffs he found to try to muffle the sound. Yondu stomps around the ship trying to find the culprit and yelling about Peter.

“This is all yer fault, boy! If ya hadn’t bought that damn thing, this wouldn’t be happenin’!”

Even though Groot isn’t the one causing the mayhem now, he’s thoroughly enjoying himself. He happily yells “I am Groot!” anytime he hears the kazoo.

The noise continues for three more days.

No one is more annoyed by this than Nebula. The noise is keeping the kittens up at night, and she threatens to kill the next person who uses the kazoo. At this threat, she hears a pathetic wheezing noise behind her. She turns, knife in hand, to see Kraglin lowering the kazoo and shoving it into his pocket.

She gives him the look of death and holds out her hand. Kraglin, eyes wide, pulls out the kazoo and places it in her outstretched hand, then takes a step back. Nebula crushes the kazoo, then drops the remains on the ground and walks away without another word.

Kraglin takes a shaky breath, and Yondu places a hand on his shoulder.

“There goes yer fun, son, but I gotta say, if she hadn’t broken it, I woulda.” He squeezes Kraglin’s shoulder and walks off in the opposite direction.

  
  


_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	23. Episode 23

“I am Groot. I AM GROOT!!” The little  _ Flora colossus _ is yelling at Rocket in the mess hall later when Kraglin walks in.

Rocket rolls his eyes. “Just leave it alone, buddy.”

“What’s wrong with Groot?”

“Your supervillain girlfriend crushed his musical hopes and dreams.”

Groot runs over to stand in front of Kraglin’s bowl of soup and stomps his foot. “I AM GROOT!”

Kraglin looks to Rocket to translate.

“He wants you to get him another one.”

“Sorry, Groot, it were keepin’ the kittens up. Neb was perty mad about it.”

Suddenly, the childlike tree starts jumping up and down excitedly yelling ‘I am Groot’ over and over.

“I dunno, Groot, I’m not sure Nebula would go for that.”

“What would I not go for, you stupid fox?”

Rocket grumbles and drops his face into his paw as she sits down in front of them.

Kraglin cringes slightly when Groot runs over to her and starts to jump up and down excitedly again yelling ‘I am Groot’ at her.

She watches him for a minute, then nods. “I think the kittens would like that. But Rocket must come get you when it is their dinnertime.”

Groot runs over to Rocket, who is now staring, open-mouthed and dumbfounded, at Nebula. His roots reach out and grab Rocket by the paw to pull him along with him, and Rocket continues looking at Nebula like he has no idea who she is.

“What’d Groot want, Neb?” Kraglin looks at his soup and lifts another spoon of it to his mouth.

“He asked if he could play with the kittens.”

“Oh, a’right then.” His eyes lift and he catches a smile ghosting over her mouth. It’s gone as quickly as it was there and he wisely chooses not to say anything.

Several hours later when Kraglin and Nebula walk into their quarters to get dinner ready for their furry brood, they find Rocket standing in the middle of the room, paws on hips, staring into the kitten’s room.

Kraglin nearly panics thinking something is wrong, and he runs over to the door expecting to find Groot missing and one of his babies injured.

What he sees gives him what he would call the  _ warm fuzzies _ if he weren’t a Ravager.

Groot is sound asleep on top of a pile of kittens, who are all purring in their sleep.

He turns to say something to Nebula, who gives him the look of death and mouths ‘I will kill you if they wake up.’

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	24. Episode 24

Groot learns that he can communicate with the kittens and is thrilled that he can talk to someone on the ship other than Rocket.

Unfortunately, he teaches them to climb into the air vents. Now, instead of kazoo noises, they hear the sounds of meowing and purring echoing all throughout the ship.

The crew believes it’s the meowing of ghost kittens, and they beg Yondu to be allowed to land on a planet that sells amulets to protect them from the ghost kittens.

Nebula stalks the ship looking for the stray kittens, and everyone knows to stay out of her way. Kraglin is desperate, even attempting to climb into one of the air vents on his own, until he gets stuck and Peter has to help him back out.

Nebula and Kraglin manage to lure most of the kittens out by calling them and shaking a bag of treats, but after several hours, they still can’t find one last kitten.

“Where d’ya reckon he is, Neb?”

“I do not know. I am sure he is still in one of the air vents.”

“Ya think he’s okay?”

“Yes. We have trained them well. He can defend himself.”

Kraglin looks confused for a moment. He’d only meant he hoped the kitten hadn’t gotten hurt in the air vents. He never thought it would have to fight something, but at Nebula’s words, he could vividly imagine the poor kitten having to battle stray orlonis.

“We gotta find him, Neb!”

* * *

After two more hours, there was still no sign of the missing kitten. Zoe and Mantis are kitten-sitting the others at Kraglin’s request as Kraglin, Nebula, Yondu, Peter, Gamora, Drax, and Rocket search the ship.

As they all slowly return to Kraglin and Nebula’s quarters to see if anyone has been successful, Kraglin is afraid they’ll never see the kitten again. Peter throws his arm around Kraglin’s shoulders.

“Come on, Krags. We’ll find it. Don’t worry.”

Kraglin nods.

Rocket stares at Yondu, who is picking his teeth. “Hey, ya blue idiot, you ain’t said much today. You didn’t eat the kitten, did you?”

At these words, there’s a sudden uproar as everyone speaks at once. The commotion only stops when Yondu whistles and his arrow flies in front of Rocket’s face.

Rocket smirks. “Well, did you?”

Drax takes a step forward. “He does call them kittentizers. I think the blue man ate it.”

Zoe flushes at the word “kittentizer,” but says, “Yondu didn’t eat the kitten!” She turns to him and whispers, “You didn’t, did you?”

“No, I ain’t eat no kittens on this ship!”

Zoe cringes at the fact that he had to add ‘on this ship’ to his statement, and tries not to think about it.

“I wouldn’t eat one of my boy’s babies!”

His arrow is still hovering in front of Rocket’s face, though Rocket doesn’t look concerned. “If you say so.”

Zoe is trying to figure out how to diffuse the situation when they hear a noise in the hallway. Turning to look, they see Groot riding into the room on the back of the lost kitten. “I am Groot!”

Kraglin lets out a strangled cry and runs to pick the kitten up. Nebula moves next to him to pet the kitten’s head, as the kitten purrs happily.

“I am Groot!”

“He says he and the kitten have been playing hide and seek all day, and he wants to know what they win since we never found them.”

“Did anyone even know we were playing hide and seek?” asks Gamora.

Everyone shakes their head, and Rocket turns back to Groot. “You have to actually  _ tell _ someone you’re playing hide and seek for it to count, Groot.”

Groot kicks at the ground. “I am  _ Groot _ .”

“Yeah, next time, buddy.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	25. Episode 25

Now that Groot has shown the kittens how to get into the air vents, they’re all over the ship. Kraglin is constantly herding kittens because he’s worried they’ll get hurt. Nebula, however, has talked to them and they know to be mindful of their safety. Places like the engine room are off limits to them.

Of course, they listen to her. Mostly. They are essentially teenagers at this point.

One of their favorite places to gather is the control room because there are always Ravagers there. A few of the kittens like to dart out from a hiding spot and make the crew jump. Some of the others play cute until one of the crew picks them up and pets them. Others simply find a spot to curl up and lazily observe the crew as they go about their business.

Yondu walks in one day when several of the kittens are running around the control room. A grey tabby kitten is actually lying on his control panel and tapping its paw on his Alf bobble head to make it move.

The kitten meows when Yondu picks it up and puts it on the floor then sits down in his chair.

He shakes his head as he looks around the room.

Yarksh is at the navigation station with a calico kitten in his lap petting it while it purrs.

A black and white kitten is curled up sleeping in one of the empty chairs.

Lobl has to high step to keep from stepping on the orange kitten that keeps chasing his feet.

When Yondu turns back to his control panel, the grey tabby kitten is back up there batting at Alf. He picks up the kitten and holds it out away from his panel. "If these damn kittens don't stop gettin' on my control panel, I'm gonna eat 'em an' ain't none of y'all gonna be able ta stop me." 

Everyone stops moving and turns to look at him.

The kitten meows pitifully and Yondu rolls his eyes and puts it back down on the floor.

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	26. Episode 26

Peter is about to take a bite of his sandwich when a furry blur flies in front of him and his sandwich disappears.

“Hey!” He sees a kitten scamper off, dragging his sandwich along, and he turns back to Gamora. “Did you see that? Kraglin and Nebula have got to do something about these cats!”

“You should talk to Nebula about it, then.”

Peter pales. “I was thinking I might mention it to Kraglin.”

Gamora raises a brow. “You know the kittens listen to Nebula more than Kraglin.”

Peter brightens a little. “Well, maybe  _ you _ could talk to Nebula about it?”

She smiles slightly. “The kittens are not bothering me.” She stands up and carries her plate to the back, then leaves the mess hall.

Yarksh drops into Gamora’s recently-vacated seat and sets his tray down with a clatter. “What’s tha matter, Quill?”

Peter motions to his empty plate. “One of Kraglin’s cats just stole my sandwich!”

Yarksh chuckles. “Aw, now, don’t get yerself all worked up over it. Ya gotta just let stuff like that go – hey!”

Another kitten had grabbed the piece of ham off of Yarksh’s plate and was now running out of the mess hall, followed by two other kittens, both of whom were trying to get the ham from the first kitten.

“What were you saying?”

“Oh, shut up, Quill.”

Kraglin sets his tray across from Peter and Yarksh and sits down. “What’s goin’ on, fellas?”

“Your cats are what’s going on! They just stole my sandwich!”

“And my ham!”

“You’ve got to do something with them, Kraglin. Don’t you feed them?”

Kraglin looks offended. “’Course we feed ‘em! But they’re jus’ babies. They don’t know it’s wrong.”

“Well, do something about it, will you?”

Kraglin shrugs noncommittally and takes a bite of his sandwich. He’s just about to dip his spoon into his bowl of soup when a group of kittens run past. One grabs the sandwich and takes off while another hops into the bowl of soup, splattering Kraglin, Peter, and Yarksh, before running off to join the other kittens, all of whom are heading towards the various crew members trying to eat.

He looks around the room at the mayhem and then back to Peter and Yarksh. “Okay, I’ll talk ta Neb ‘bout it tonight.”

  
  


_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	27. Episode 27

Surprisingly, after the fiasco of the kittens stealing food from the crew, things quiet down.

Or so Kraglin and Nebula think. They do their usual head count in the morning when they prepare breakfast for their furry brood and everyone is there. So they begin their routine where Kraglin sets out each kitten’s bowl with its name on it, and Nebula measures out their food. Once they have all been fed, they go back into their room and curl up in their little beds for their morning nap.

They close the door and Kraglin leans down to press a kiss to Nebula’s temple as they leave their quarters, something she has grown used to as part of their morning routine so she no longer stiffens when he does. 

When they reach a junction in the hall, Kraglin pauses and turns to Nebula. “I’m gonna head ta the mess hall fer breakfast. Ya comin’ or ya headin’ ta the weapons room?”

“I am meeting Gamora in the weapons room to repair one of the blasters. We will come to the mess hall when we are done.”

“Alright. Have fun, Neb.”

She rolls her eyes but smiles fondly at him. “Idiot.”

When Kraglin walks into the mess hall, he can hear meowing coming from the kitchen and he freezes. Images begin flashing through his mind of what could be happening in there and none of them are good. He hurries into the kitchen where he finds the cook with a kitten in each hand.

One of the kittens meows and the cook, a surly old man of indistinct origins, bares his teeth at the ball of fluff in his hand. “I don’t care if’n yer explorin’, stop explorin’ my kitchen!”

Kraglin blinks a few times as he realizes the cook, who he finally realizes doesn’t seem to have a name other than Cook, can understand the kitten. “Wait. Ya can talk to ‘em, Cook?”

“’Course I can! I can talk ta any creature, understands them, too.” Cook holds both kittens out to Kraglin. “Here, take yer kits. If’n I find ‘em in my kitchen again, they’s goin’ in yer soup!”

Thinking it wise not to argue, he takes the two mischievous felines and backs out of the kitchen. One crawls up to sit on Kraglin’s shoulder while the other is content against his chest as he walks back to their room.

When he gets there, he does a head count and everyone else is there.

He kneels down and points at the two troublemakers. “Let’s not tell yer momma ‘bout this little adventure?”

They meow. Kraglin wants to believe they’re agreeing with him.

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	28. Episode 28

Nebula and Gamora are sparring in the weapons room when Gamora trips over a kitten. She falls in her attempt to avoid stepping on the cat, and tilts her head back when Nebula’s blade hovers close to her neck.

“I win.”

“It’s not a true win if I fall over your cats!”

“It does not matter. You were distracted.”

“By your  _ cats _ .”

“You should be able to fight even with the added difficulty. You are growing weak, sister.”

Gamora rolls her eyes. “Nebula, you cannot let the kittens have the run of the ship anymore. Especially in the weapons room!”

Nebula is silent for a moment as she watches the kittens scampering around the room.

“You’re right.”

Gamora looks surprised. “Thank you, I -”

“They could get hurt.”

“What? No! I was thinking more along the lines of someone  _ else _ getting hurt when a kitten runs under their feet when they are using weapons!”

Nebula’s gaze turns serious. “I would kill anyone who injured one of the kittens.”

Gamora sighs. “They would not hurt them on  _ purpose _ , Nebula. But it is hard to train with weapons when there are small cats running around your legs.”

“It is not hard for me.”

Gamora closes her eyes briefly. “You do not want the kittens to get  _ accidentally _ hurt, do you?”

“Of course not!”

“Then tell them to stay out of the weapons room.”

“Fine.” She turns to the kittens, one of whom is hanging off the side of the weapons case while another is about to knock a sword off its shelf. “Kittens! You are no longer allowed to play in here. I do not want you to get hurt.”

The kittens meow, in a tone that Gamora thinks sounds like they’re arguing, and Nebula shakes her head. “No, kittens. You will be allowed back in here when it is time for you to begin your training.”

“ _ What _ ?”

“I am going to train them when they are a little older.”

“Train them to do  _ what _ ?”

“To join us in battle.”

“Nebula, I… you know what? Never mind. Just make sure they are not in here when anyone else is training.”

  
  


_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	29. Episode 29

Zoe wakes up one morning to the sound of things being tossed around the room. She sits up in bed to find Yondu tearing everything apart and mumbling to himself.

“Yondu, what’s wrong?”

Angry ruby eyes turn her way and he huffs. “Perty sure them damn furry critters of Kraglin and Nebula’s stole my damn arrow!”

“What? Wh…why would you think that?” Zoe’s eyes move to the vent in the ceiling and she realizes it looks like one corner isn’t in place.

“’Cause them damn critters is ever’where! Who else woulda taken it? Peter and Kraglin know better, and tha crew wouldn’t come in here.”

“Let me get dressed and I’ll help you look.”

“Nah, I’ll find ‘em. And then I’m gonna eat the critter that took it!”

He sounds serious and Zoe rushes to get dressed so she can run to warn Kraglin and Nebula.

They help her search the ship for the next few hours to no avail. When they’re walking by one of the empty cargo bays, they hear Yondu’s distinct whistle from inside. Groot’s excited voice follows behind the whistle and the three rush to the door, fearing what they might find.

All three of them stand there staring open-mouthed at the sight in front of them.

Groot is straddling Yondu’s arrow, which is flying around about a foot off the ground, while three of the kittens chase it.

“Hold on, Twig.” Yondu whistles and the arrow does a loop, making Groot squeal in delight as the kittens jump to try and catch him.

Zoe, Kraglin, and Nebula back away from the door and out of earshot. They look at each other, shake their heads, and head off in different directions, dumbfounded by what they’ve seen.

Later that evening, when Zoe heads to her quarters to change out of her dirty overalls before grabbing dinner in the mess hall, she finds another puzzling sight.

Yondu is laid out on their bed, snoring, and surrounded by five kittens all purring in their sleep.

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	30. Episode 30

“Hand me that wrench, will ya, Groot?” Rocket holds out his paw as he waits for Groot to place the wrench in it.

“I am Groot!”

Rocket rolls his eyes. “Yeah, well, working on this piece of junk isn’t my idea of fun, either.”

“I am  _ Groot _ .”

“You can go play with the kittens when we finish. I need your help right now. You know I can’t climb into that little spot at the back.”

“ _ I am Groot _ .”

“Hey! Stop your back-talking or I’ll leave you on the next planet we visit.”

“I am Groot!”

“Go on  _ strike _ ? Where did you even hear of going on strike?”

“I am Groot!”

“What the hell’s a  _ U-tube  _ and why is Yondu letting you watch it?”

Groot shrugs then runs out of the room. “I am Groot!”

“Hey! Get back here!”

* * *

_ Later, in the mess hall... _

Rocket drops his tray onto the table with a rattle.

“Hey, Rat.”

“Hey, you blue idiot. What’s this “U-tube” you’re letting Groot watch?”

“It’s one of them video-sharin’ sites Terrans use. Found it on Goggle.”

“Yeah, well, it’s giving Groot ideas about going on strike so he doesn’t have to help out on the ship anymore.”

“Yeah, goin’ on strike mighta come up on somethin’ we watched last night. I’ll talk to him, let him know he can’t jus’ not help out ‘round tha ship.”

“Thanks.”

“’Course.”

* * *

_ Later… _

“Get back here, Twig! I ain’t done talkin’ to ya!”

Yondu watches as Groot runs down the corridor. “I am Groot!”

“Ya can’t go on strike from talkin’ to me!” He yells, as Groot turns the corner and is lost from sight. 

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	31. Episode 31

“All right, kittens, I want all of you to run through this agility course three times.” Nebula sets the last of the ramps up in the kittens’ room.

Their little beds have been moved to the far side of the room and they are all lined up in front of them. The meowing starts at once when Nebula stands and looks at them all.

“No. Do not argue. This will prepare you for your battle training.”

More meowing draws Kraglin’s attention and he comes to stand behind Nebula. His eyes widen when he sees the agility course Nebula has created. “Uh, wha’cha doin’, Neb?”

“I am instructing the kittens on their tasks for today.”

He scratches the back of his neck. “Tasks?”

She turns to glare at him. “Yes, they are to run this agility course three times before I get back. They need to be prepared for battle training once they are old enough.”

“Neb, they’re our babies. Do we really have ta talk ‘bout battle trainin’?”

They look at each other long enough that Kraglin starts to wonder if perhaps she’s plotting his death.

“They should at least be prepared in case of an emergency.”

“Oh, well, tha’s okay then.” Kraglin looks at the kittens and thinks he doesn’t want to imagine what kind of emergency might come up where they’d have to fight anyone. “Listen ta yer momma, kittens.”

One of Nebula’s eyebrows raises, and she shakes her head. “Idiot.”

They go their separate ways, leaving the kittens staring sullenly at the agility course.

As one of them paws at the first obstacle on the course, the vent above them opens and Groot pokes his head down into the room.

“I am Groot?”

“Meow.”

Groot drops down into the room and looks at the obstacle course Nebula set up. His tendrils suddenly start to reach out to one of the obstacles as he grins at his companions. “I am Groot!”

The kittens look at each other and move in to join him.

A few hours later, when Nebula and Kraglin return, they hear excited meowing and shouts of “I am Groot” echoing from the kittens’ room. When they open the door, they find the kittens and Groot playing on a jungle gym they built out of Nebula’s obstacle course.

“Groot, how did you get in here?” Nebula’s tone is stern but even.

“I am Groot.” The little Flora colossus stomps his foot.

“I did not say you could not play with the kittens, but this is unacceptable. That obstacle course is part of their training.”

“I am Groot!”

“Hey, watch yer mouth, Groot. Don’cha talk back ta Neb like that.”

“I AM GROOT!”

Nebula looks at Kraglin. “Perhaps you should call the fox.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	32. Episode 32

Drax and Mantis are standing in the training room, facing each other.

"I am going to help you learn to defend yourself. You must be ready for anything."

Mantis nods.

"You are small and weak, so you must use that to your advantage."

"I am small and weak?"

"Yes, you cannot lift as much as me. We will work on that later. We will make you strong."

Mantis smiles. "Okay."

"First, if someone tries to grab you, you must - what was that?"

"I do not know."

Drax and Mantis pause as they listen again for the noise that distracted Drax.

Mantis shrugs. "Maybe you just imagined a noise."

"No. I do not imagine things."

"Oh."

"As I was saying, if someone tries to grab you - there it is again!"

"I heard it that time!"

As they wait in silence, they hear it again. A faint, echoing wailing.

Drax pulls out his knives.

"Are you going to fight the ghost?"

"I do not believe in ghosts."

"It sounds like a ghost!"

"Then I shall defeat the ghost!"

They hear the wailing again, a little louder this time.

"I am scared, Drax!"

Drax raises his knives into position and yells, "Come out, ghost! I challenge you to a duel!"

They hear the wailing again, and this time it sounds as though it's right above their heads.

Mantis cries out and Drax looks up just in time to catch Groot, who has just fallen out of an air vent.

"Have you seen the ghost, small Groot?"

Groot laughs, hops out of Drax's hands, and runs out of the room. "I am Groot!"

"Do you think he saw the ghost, Drax?"

"I think he  _ was _ the ghost! Get back here, smaller, dumber Groot!"

Drax runs out of the room, Mantis right behind him. 

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	33. Episode 33

Yondu feels a tugging on his ear and lifts his hand to brush it away.

“I am Groot.”

“G’on, Twig. Been up all night.”

“I. Am. Groot.”

“Ya can ride the arrow later.”

“I am Groot!”

“C’mon, Twig. Not now, I jus’ got ta bed.” Yondu rolls over away from the little tree.

“I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot!” Groot punctuates each of his words with a jump on Yondu’s back.

“GET OUT NOW, TWIG!”

Groot kicks Yondu in the hip and huffs out of his quarters. He sees Zoe in the rec room and runs up to her. After climbing up on the table in front of her, he starts excitedly repeating “I am Groot” over and over.

“Groot, slow down.” She sits up from the book she was reading and spreads her hands. “Remember, I just learned how to understand you. Now, what’s wrong?”

He stomps his foot on the table hard enough to make the pen next to him rock a tiny bit. “I am Groot.”

“Groot, Yondu has been up all night. He literally just got into bed thirty minutes ago. You should have left him alone the first time he said no.” Zoe smiles at Groot and sits back on the couch. “When he gets up, he’ll let you ride his arrow again like he said he would.”

“I. AM. GROOT.” The little tree snaps and runs off.

“Hey! That wasn’t very nice!” Zoe frowns after Groot and his potty mouth and gets up to find Rocket.

After searching the ship for a good thirty minutes, she finds the furry engineer in the weapons room working on something she thinks might be a bomb. Zoe opts not to ask about that, though.

“Hey Rocket, can I talk to you a minute?”

Rocket rolls his eyes and drops the tools in his paws on the floor next to him. “Lemme guess. Groot back talking you, too?”

“Yes. How’d you know?”

He shakes his head. “Apparently he’s been back talking everybody this week.”

“Did you talk to him?”

“No, I figured I’d just ignore it until the problem goes away on its own.” He gives her an incredulous look. “Of course, I talked to him! He ain’t listening to me either, but I’ll try again.”

“Maybe we should all talk to him.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	34. Episode 34

Rocket has Groot in a tight grip. “I’m not letting you go until we’ve talked about your behavior! Groot! Stop kicking me!”

“Groot, come on, buddy. Settle down. He ain’t gonna hurt’cha.” Kraglin is watching the scene in front of him with a frown on his face.

“I AM GROOT!”

“Ya can play with tha kittens after this is done! Wha’dya say ta that, huh?”

Nebula is staring at Kraglin as though she doesn’t recognize him. His voice is about two octaves higher than normal. He blushes and clears his throat when he sees her watching him.

“Uh, I’ll just leave ya to it.”

He sits on the couch and Nebula joins him.

“Where are the others?”

“Said they’s on their way.”

“Good. We need to end this soon so we can feed the kittens on time.”

“Don’t worry, Neb. We’ll have time.”

Rocket is still struggling with Groot.

“Groot, come  _ on _ .”

Yondu, Zoe, Mantis, and Drax enter as Groot’s arms start reaching for the air vent on the ceiling.

“Groot,  _ no! _ ”

Yondu whistles. “I don’t think so, Twig.”

Zoe is appalled. “Yondu! You can’t use your arrow on Groot!”

Leaning closer to her, Yondu whispers, “I ain’t gonna hurt ‘im. Jus’ gonna scare him a little bit.”

Zoe raises a brow and looks behind Yondu at Groot. “I don’t think it’s working.”

Yondu turns around in time to see Groot sticking his tongue out at him.

“Why, you little -”

“Yondu!” Zoe grabs his arm and pulls him to the couch, where they squeeze in beside Kraglin.

Mantis and Drax sit in the empty chairs across from the couch, and they all turn expectantly to Rocket, who is still fighting a struggling Groot.

“Damn it, Groot!  _ Stop it!  _ We just want to talk to you! This kind of behavior is  _ exactly _ why we’re having to have this little chat!”

“I AM GROOT!”

“_What_ _kind of behavior_? The kind that’s annoyed everybody on this ship all week! Having an attitude with me, for starters. Telling me you’re going on _strike_. You can’t just go on _strike. _You think I wanted to sit in that room for three hours trying to fix what Quill broke?”

Groot has stopped struggling, but Rocket doesn’t let go of him.

“I am Groot?”

“Yeah, I’d say you’ve annoyed everybody.”

Tears appear in Groot’s eyes and Zoe gasps. “Awww, the poor, little -”

Rocket shakes his head. “Don’t let him fool you, Zoe. He knows what he’s doing.”

“I am Groot?”

“No, there’s more. Kraglin and Nebula said you messed up the kittens’  _ agility course  _ -,” he rolls his eyes before continuing - “and keep distracting the kittens from their… training.”

Groot shrugs. “I am Groot.”

“Yeah, well, that’s something the kittens will have to take up with Nebula.”

“I am Groot?”

“No, that’s not all! Have you just  _ forgotten _ this whole week? You woke up Yondu and I’ve had to listen to him whining about it ever since, which is worse than anything  _ you _ could have done.”

“Shut up, Rat!”

Rocket ignores him and keeps talking. “And you were rude to Zoe, and then played a prank on Drax and Mantis.”

Groot laughs.

“Okay, I’ll give you that one, that  _ was _ kinda funny.”

Drax makes a move to stand, and Rocket hurries on. “But you scared Mantis and Drax, so you should apologize for it.”

“I was not scared. I was only concerned for Mantis.”

“Yeah, sure. Anyway, you just need to apologize for what you did, promise not to do it again, and you’re free to go.”

“I am Groot?”

Rocket rolls his eyes again. “Yes, you need to mean it.”

Groot turns to the assembled group. “I am Groot. I am  _ Groot.  _ I AM Groot. I am Groot. I AM GROOT! I. Am. Groot.”

Yondu, who has yet to master understanding Groot, leans over to Zoe and whispers, “What’d he say?”

“He said he was sorry.”

“ _ All that _ ta say he’s sorry?”

Groot turns back to Rocket. “I am Groot?”

‘Yeah, yeah, you’re free to go.”

Groot hops off Rocket’s lap and runs out of the room.

Nebula stands and approaches Rocket.

Rocket looks wary. “Yeah?”

“If he messes with the kittens’ training again, I will punish you instead of him.” She then turns and leaves the room.

Rocket watches her leave with wide eyes. “Yeah, I better go talk to Groot again.”

  
  


_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	35. Episode 35

Peter is in the rec room watching something on one of the holoscreens when Rocket walks in. He’s got a bowl of what Rocket thinks he calls popcorn sitting between his knees and he’s slouched down on the couch with his feet up on the table in front of him. Rocket hops up next to Peter’s feet and swipes them down.

“Hey! What was that for?” Peter sits up and hits a button on a little black box in his hand which makes the images on the holoscreen freeze.

Rocket looks at the screen. The image there is of two vaguely person-shaped lumps covered in funky patterned sheets with holes cut into them for eyes.

“Is this what you’ve been lettin’ Groot watch?”

Peter scowls between Rocket and the screen. “I’ve been watching Halloween movies and Groot has watched some with me. Why?”

Rocket snatches the black box from Peter and presses another button. The images on the screen start moaning and howling like ghosts and moving toward a woman sleeping on a bed. Once again, the image pauses, and Rocket turns back to look at Peter. “Pretty sure that’s where Groot got the idea to play a ghost and scare Drax and Mantis.”

“From Beetlejuice? He hasn’t even seen it.”

Groot walks in at that moment, sees the screen, and starts jumping up and down. “I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot!!”

“Ain’t seen it, huh?” Rocket glares at Peter.

“I didn’t think he had.” Peter gives Groot a speculative look.

“Just stop giving him ideas, Quill. He’s gettin’ difficult enough as it is.”

“Yeah, yeah. A few Halloween movies aren’t going to hurt anything, Rocket.” Peter looks at Groot. “ _ But _ you’re not going to play any more pranks on any of us if I let you keep watching them with me, are you?”

Groot wrings his hands together and shakes his head. He gives Rocket a pleading look.

“Fine.” Rocket jumps down off the table. “But if he starts anything else cause of something he’s seen in one of them movie things I’m gonna put a turd in your pillow.”

“If you do, I’ll shave you!”

“Gotta catch me first, Quill.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	36. Episode 36

“I am Groot, I am Groot, I AM GROOT!”

Groot runs into the control room, stopping in front of Yondu and hopping up and down.

“Slow down, Twig. What’d ya say?”

“I. Am.  _ Groot. _ ”

“What’s trick-er-treatin’?”

“I am Groot!”

“Ya go ta people’s houses an’ they give ya stuff? What kinda stuff?”

Groot begins to hop in excitement again. “I am Groot!”

“Treats? Like presents? Good stuff?”

Groot starts to run around the room. “I AM GROOT! I AM GROOT!”

Yondu rubs his hands together and grins. “Sounds like my kinda holiday.”

“I am Groot!”

Peter walks past the door to the control room and Yondu yells after him. “Quill! Get in here!”

Peter turns around and walks into the room. “What?”

“Twig here was jus’ tellin’ me ‘bout trick-er-treatin’. How come we ain’t ever done that before? Ya shoulda told me y’all had stuff like that on Terra.”

Peter sputters. “Are you  _ kidding _ me? I  _ begged _ you to take me trick-or-treating when I was younger! And you always said, ‘ _ get outta here or I’m gonna eat’cha!’ _ And since I was too young and stupid to know the difference, I  _ left _ because I didn’t want to be  _ eaten _ .”

Yondu waves his hand as though what Peter just said is of no consequence. “Well, now we’re goin’ trick-er-treatin’ an’ we’re gonna get some good stuff.”

Peter looks like all of his dreams have just come true. “You mean it?”

“Yep. Twig said we need costumes, but I ain’t wearin’ no ghost outfit. What I got on right now’s good enough.”

Peter smirks. “Yeah, that  _ is _ pretty scary.”

He runs out of the room, Groot happily chasing after him, Yondu following close behind. “Get back here, Quill! I swear I’m gonna eat’cha this time!”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	37. Chapter 37

The group decides to go to Peter’s grandparents the day before Halloween so Groot can go trick-or-treating. He was so excited by the idea that he wouldn’t leave any of them alone until they agreed to take him.

Zoe and Janis are sitting at the kitchen table after the group arrives, talking about costumes Groot could wear for trick-or-treating and where they could go to get one on such short notice. Just as Janis gets up to refill her coffee mug, Rocket walks in and jumps up on the counter.

“Hey there, Quill’s grandmother, can I have some of that?”

One thing they all forgot about on the trip to Terra was that while Gregg had met Rocket and Groot, Janis had not. She had heard their names, but everyone failed to mention that they were in fact a talking raccoon and a talking tree.

Janis screams and backs up to the table where she turns to Zoe. “Zoe, do you see a raccoon standing on the counter?”

Rocket looks between Zoe and Janis and rolls his eyes. “Lemme guess. Those idiots forgot to tell you I’m me.”

Janis looks confused. “You’re who?”

“Rocket.”

“You’re Rocket? I thought…” She pauses for a second and shakes her head. “I’m not sure what I thought. I keep forgetting Peter has been living in space for nearly 3 decades and anything is possible out there.” Janis smiles at Rocket and walks back to the counter where he’s standing and gets a mug for him.

He’s still eyeing her warily as she pours coffee into his mug, then hers, and goes back to sit at the table with Zoe.

Zoe’s eyes catch Groot’s tendrils as they grasp the edge of the table and the little tree suddenly hops up onto the table.

“I am Groot!!” He grins and jumps up and down in front of Janis.

Her eyes widen again, then she looks between Groot, Zoe, and over at Rocket. “I think we may need to consider doll clothes for costumes instead.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	38. Episode 38

They’re unable to find any costumes to fit Groot on such short notice, and since he’s determined to be a ghost, Janis decides to take an old pillowcase and make a costume for him. He watches eagerly as she hems up the pillowcase so it’s the perfect length, then cuts holes for the eyes.

“I am Groot!”

Janis smiles as she helps him pull the pillowcase over his head.

Zoe laughs. “You look perfect, Groot!”

Yondu walks into the kitchen. “Y’all ready ta go?” He takes in Zoe’s princess costume and grins. “Darlin’, ya look so good ya make me wanna skip trick-er-treatin’ an’ jus’ stay here with ya.”

“Yondu!” Zoe blushes and glances over at Janis, who is trying not to laugh, before turning back to Yondu. She adds, in a hushed voice, “I’ve told you not to say things like that in front of people!”

“Can’t help it, darlin’, ya look so beautiful.”

Though still blushing, Zoe smiles. “Thanks, Yondu.”

“I am Groot!” Groot kicks Yondu’s boot.

“We’re goin’, Twig, we’re goin!”

Janis waves at them from the door as they walk down the steps to the sidewalk. “Have fun!”

Since it’s Halloween, Yondu, Gamora, and Rocket are able to walk around freely without being stared at by the Terrans. Everyone just thinks they’re all in elaborate costumes, including Rocket, who everyone assumes is a small child in a raccoon costume – until he talks.

Zoe kneels in front of Groot. “Okay, Groot, what do you say when they open the door?”

“I am Groot!”

She smiles and shakes her head slightly. “I guess that’s close enough.”

He takes off running to the front door of the first house on their trick-or-treating route, Peter and Yondu right behind him, as Zoe, Gamora, and Rocket watch from the sidewalk.

He reaches out a tendril and presses the doorbell, then hops eagerly in place, clutching his too-large treat bag as he waits.

When the door opens, he waves his treat bag around and yells, “I AM GROOT!”

The woman who opened the door steps back in alarm, then smiles. “What a scary little ghost!”

“I am GrooOooooOoooOooot!”

She chuckles, then drops a few pieces of candy into his bag.

“I am Groot!” Groot runs back to Zoe, Gamora, and Rocket, hopping excitedly around their legs.

Back at the front door, Yondu and Peter, who is dressed as Kevin Bacon’s character from Footloose, are both holding out their treat bags.

Yondu grins. “Trick-er-treat!”

The woman looks taken aback. “Oh. Oh, okay.”

She drops one piece into each of their bags, and Yondu clears his throat, shaking his bag a little.

She looks at him, then drops a few more pieces into each of their bags.

“Thanks!”

Yondu and Peter return to the group, and Zoe shakes her head. “Ridiculous. You’re both ridiculous.”

After two hours, Groot can barely pull his treat bag behind him, and Zoe decides it’s time to head back to the Quills’ house.

Once they’re back in the Quills’ living room, Yondu rubs his hands together. “Can’t wait ta go through all these goodies an’ see what I got!”

Five minutes later, he huffs and holds his bag out to Zoe. “Look at this! It’s all candy! Jus’ Terran junk! Where’s tha good stuff?”

Zoe looks confused. “What are you talking about, Yondu? You’re  _ supposed  _ to get candy on Halloween.”

“ _ What? _ Quill! You an’ Groot said  _ treats! _ These ain’t treats!”

“Uh, yeah they are, you old doofus.”

Groot runs over and tries to pull the bag out of Yondu’s hands. “I am Groot!”

“Oh, no ya don’t, Twig! I didn’t say I ain’t gonna eat it!”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	39. Episode 39

The next morning, Yondu, Peter, and Groot are all sitting on the couch, slouched down into the cushions, all looking a little green. There are candy wrappers everywhere, and only a small pile of candy is left on the coffee table in front of them.

Yondu is mad at Peter for having ever mentioned trick-or-treating. "I shoulda known better than ta listen ta yer stupid ideas, Quill."

"Well, you didn't have to eat the candy, you old doofus!" Peter groans.

"It was my candy, 'course I's gonna eat it. I walked all over this place ta get it, an' I ain't wastin' it."

“I am Groot!”

“Yeah! You tell ‘im, Twig.”

Zoe and Gamora come downstairs and see the aftermath of their candy binge.

“Oh my God, Yondu. Is this why you didn’t come to bed last night?” Zoe’s eyes widen when she sees the sheer volume of candy wrappers covering the coffee table, floor, and couch in between the three of them.

“I was lookin’ fer the good treats.” Yondu tells her then groans as his stomach gurgles.

“They were all good treats, Dad.” Peter holds his fist in front of his mouth while he burps. “Hey, my burps smell like chocolate.”

Gamora raises an eyebrow and folds her arms in front of her.

Peter smiles sheepishly. “Hey ‘Mora.”

“I can see  _ if _ we do this again, we will have to ration the candy to the three of you.”

Zoe nods her head. “Definitely.”

Rocket comes in the front door and takes in the scene in front of him. “Geez. How much candy did you eat, Groot?”

Groot’s tendrils pat the pile of candy wrappers he’s sitting on as he turns a little greener and starts to look frantic.

“Alright, c’mon buddy. Let’s go outside.” Rocket rushes over and grabs Groot before he can make a mess.

Janis walks in from the kitchen at that moment and smiles at Zoe and Gamora. “Breakfast is ready.”

Both Peter and Yondu jump up from the couch and rush outside.

“What’s wrong with them?” Janis’ eyes drop to the coffee table and she steps forward to see the couch. “Oh. Well then. I guess it’s just the three of us for breakfast.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	40. Episode 40

Janis and Zoe are sitting in the kitchen enjoying a cup of hot chocolate while everyone else is outside.

“Are you going home for Thanksgiving, Zoe?”

“I’m not sure.” She glances out the window to where Yondu is talking to Gregg. She isn’t sure what he’s saying, but he’s using a lot of exaggerated arm movements and Gregg looks baffled. She turns her attention back to Janis. “The last time Yondu met my parents, it didn’t go too well.”

“Well, it’s always awkward meeting the parents for the first time.”

“You’re right. It’s just… a  _ little _ more awkward with Yondu.”

Janis laughs. “It does take a little time to get used to him, doesn’t it?”

Zoe smiles fondly as she looks out the window again, to where Yondu is now tossing Groot into the air and catching him. “Yeah. It’s worth it, though.”

She blushes as she looks back at Janis, but Janis smiles kindly. “I think you should try again. I’m sure your parents would like to meet the man who’s stolen their daughter’s heart.”

Zoe’s face turns a darker shade of red, but she smiles. “You’re right. I’ll call my mom and see if they’ll be home later.”

* * *

Yondu and Zoe are sitting up in bed in the guest room later that night when Zoe broaches the subject. “Yondu, what do you think about meeting my parents?”

“Thought I’d already met ‘em?”

“Yeah, I mean,  _ technically _ you have, but we had to leave so fast that you didn’t really get to talk to them.”

“That’s ‘cause ya pulled me away ‘fore I had a chance ta say much.”

“Oh, you said plenty.”

“Still don’t see what was so wrong with talkin’ ‘bout -”

Zoe holds up a hand to stop him. “ _ Please _ promise me that you won’t talk about eggplants or… or cock-shaped things this time, Yondu.”

Yondu searches her face for a moment. “Okay, yeah, I promise.”

“Thank you.” She leans over and presses a kiss to his lips.

When she leans back, Yondu grins. “Can I talk about  _ Alf?” _

Zoe laughs. “Yeah, you can talk about  _ Alf _ .”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	41. Episode 41

“You promise you’re going to behave, Yondu?” Zoe pulls into her parents’ driveway and puts the car in park as she looks over at him. She knew it was long overdue but the one encounter in the grocery store was enough to make her keep putting off Yondu spending any time with her parents.

He frowns at her. “I think I learned a thing or two ‘bout how ta talk ta Terran parents. The Quill’s like me.”

Zoe’s lips spread into a thin line. “That’s a little different, Yondu. You raised their grandson. In this case, you’re in an intimate relationship with my parent’s daughter.”

“I thought  _ we’s  _ in a relationship?”

“That’s…” Zoe is momentarily flustered. “That’s what I mean, Yondu.”

One hairless blue eyebrow raises. “Don’t worry, darlin’.”

She gets out of the car and faces him over the top of it. “You telling me not to worry makes me worry.”

“Zoe!!” Her mother comes down off the porch and runs up to hug her while her father follows behind at a more subdued pace.

After she hugs her father, she smiles and motions to Yondu, who has come around to their side of the car. “Mom, Dad, I know you met him in the grocery store that one time, but this is Yondu. Yondu, these are my parents, Rose and Bob Davison.”

They all shake hands and say hello, and Zoe thinks maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

When they get in the house and sit down, Rose goes into the kitchen to get them all glasses of iced tea. She returns with a tray of glasses and a small dish in the middle of them.

After handing out the glasses, Rose smiles and holds the dish out to Yondu. “Would you like a piece of candy? We had some leftovers from trick-or-treating.”

Yondu pales, then turns a mild shade of green. “Candy!! Ya got candy! Are ya tryin’ ta make me sick?!”

Rose looks concerned as Yondu jumps up and runs out the front door. “Is it because he’s a Centurion? Does he have an aversion to Earth chocolate?”

Zoe blows out a breath and shakes her head. So much for thinking things were going to go well. “Centaurian, Mom. And he ate too much candy after trick-or-treating so he’s still kind of sensitive about it.”

“Oh. Well, then. Maybe we’ll just skip dessert after dinner.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	42. Episode 42

Surprisingly, after the candy debacle, everything goes smoothly. Yondu had indeed apparently learned something by being around Janis and Gregg so much, and he gets along with Zoe’s parents just fine. Rose suggests they eat in the living room on trays so they can watch a movie with dinner.

Bob chooses the latest action movie, which gives him and Yondu something to talk about. Though it’s more them asking each other questions about how things work on Earth vs. space.

“See, here on Terra…”

“Terra?” Rose interrupts Yondu’s explanation of how bombs work.

“Yeah, here. Terra. Think Quill calls it Earth?” He looks to Zoe for confirmation.

“Yeah, Mom, out there, Earth is known as Terra, not Earth.”

Rose and Bob exchange a look, and she just nods and goes back to eating her pot roast.

A lanky, grey tabby cat saunters out into the living room and sits down in the middle of the floor to lift his leg and clean himself.

Yondu points at the cat with his fork. “Hey, y’all got one of them…”

“Yes! That’s Terrence, my parent’s cat.”

At the sound of his name, Terrence looks up, eyeballs Yondu and hisses at him, then runs off into another room.

“Well now, that were rude.”

“He takes a while to warm up to you.” Bob comments and steers the conversation back to bombs.

Zoe rolls her eyes and thinks Rocket should be here.

Maybe 30 minutes later, Terrance comes back out into the living room and stands up on his hind legs to put his front paws on the edge of Yondu’s tray. Yondu narrows his eyes at the cat, who reaches his paw out toward a roll on the side of Yondu’s plate.

“Just shoo him off. Bob sometimes feeds him bits of food when we eat out here to watch TV during dinner, and he’s gotten the idea he can just take food when he wants it.” Rose tells them.

When Terrance tries to bat at the roll, Yondu uses his fork to stab at the cat’s paw. The cat meows and sits down on the floor.

A few minutes later, Terrance reaches his paw up over Yondu’s tray to swipe a piece of meat off his plate and takes off running.

“Hey! Tha’s mine!” He grumbles in the cat’s direction. “I ain’t even said anything ‘bout eatin’ it! But maybe I will now!”

After a few seconds, Rose’s eyes widen and she looks at Zoe. “Is that what a kittentizer is?”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	43. Episode 43

“So, Yondu, is Peter your son?” asks Rose, as she pours more iced tea into his glass.

“Yeah, as good as. He’s been with me since I kidnapped him when he’s little.”

Both Bob and Rose look startled and Zoe shakes her head. “It’s really not as bad as it sounds, I promise.”

“If you say so, dear.”

“I’ll tell y’all all ‘bout it, if y’all want.”

Zoe places a hand on his knee. “Maybe later, Yondu. Dinner was delicious, Mom, thanks.”

“Of course! I’m just glad you’ve finally decided to let us spend some time with the two of you.”

“Yeah, I told Zoe I didn’t know why she pulled me away so fast at tha store that day. I mean, I only said -”

“Hey, Dad!” Zoe interrupts. “Have you read any good books lately?”

Bob and Rose look startled again, but Bob starts telling her about the book he’s currently reading.

Rose leans over to Yondu while Bob is still talking to Zoe about the book. “Why don’t you tell Peter and your other friends to come over for dinner tomorrow night?”

“Yeah, I’ll ask ‘em. Thanks fer invitin’ us.”

“Of course!”

Zoe, who was distracted by her father, heard none of this. As they were leaving, her mother said, “We’ll see y’all tomorrow, honey!”

“Tomorrow?”

“I’ve invited you and the rest of your friends over for dinner! Yondu has all the details. He can fill you in.”

Zoe turns to Yondu. “Is that right?”

Yondu beams. “Yep.”

As they pull out of the driveway, Zoe says, “Dinner again?”

“Yeah, yer mom must really like me!”

Zoe shakes her head and smiles. “She must.”

* * *

Zoe pulls into her parents’ driveway for the second day in a row and takes a deep breath. “Everyone on their best behavior, okay?” She turns to Yondu. “That means you.”

“Dunno what yer talkin’ ‘bout, darlin’, yer mom loves me.”

Peter leans between Zoe and Yondu from the backseat. “She just hasn’t been around you long enough to get to know you yet.”

Zoe grabs Yondu’s arm before he can reach for Peter as Peter slides back into the backseat.

“Yondu, come on, let’s go.”

Zoe learned her lesson with Janis and called her mother ahead of time to warn her about Rocket and Groot, so Rose is therefore unsurprised when she sees them for the first time.

Surprisingly, everything goes well, much to Zoe’s relief. That is, until dessert.

Everyone is enjoying themselves when suddenly, Terrance, the Davisons’ cat, hops up onto the table.

“Terrance, no! Off the table!” Rose stands to scoop him up, but too late.

Terrance swipes Yondu’s pastry off his plate and takes off running out of the room. Yondu stands so fast that his chair falls over, and he whistles, his arrow zooming out of the dining room.

“Yondu, no!”

“That furry vermin stole my dessert!”

Zoe grabs his arm. “We’ll get you another piece!”

“Fine.” Yondu picks up his chair, whistles his arrow back into its holster, sits back down, and calls down the table, as though nothing out of the ordinary has just happened, “Ya mind if I get another piece, Rose?”

Rose and Bob are both sitting, stunned, but Rose manages a small nod and passes the tray down the table.

Yondu grins as he selects two new pastries and places them on his plate. “Thanks!”

Zoe closes her eyes and drops her head into her hands.

  
  


_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	44. Episode 44

After dessert is finished, the group moves to the living room.

Rose turns to Peter. “Who are your grandparents, Peter? Yondu said you’ve been visiting them.”

“Yeah, we’ve been staying with them for the last few days. Gregg and Janis Quill, they live close by, so you may -”

“Oh, we know Gregg and Janis! Janis, Stella, and I have a weekly book club, and Bob and Gregg go fishing together sometimes!”

“That’s right. We’re actually supposed to go fishing next weekend,” adds Bob.

“Oh, this is wonderful! We’ll all have to get together soon!”

The conversation turns to space, and Bob and Rose pepper the group with more questions about what it’s like. Bob is admiring one of Gamora’s knives and Rose is asking Yondu about his arrow when Rocket leans closer to Zoe.

“Any idea where Groot might have gotten off to, Zoe?”

“Oh, no...”

Just then, they hear a crash.

Rocket smirks. “Think we may have found him.”

They hear a muffled “I am Groot,” and then Terrance runs into the living room, Groot on his back, his arms wrapped around Terrance’s neck.

“Ya show ‘im, Twig!”

“ _ Yondu! _ ”

Rocket grabs Groot as Terrance streaks past again, but Groot doesn’t let go of Terreace’s neck, instead just stretching his arms out so that he’s still holding onto the cat.

“Groot, let go!”

“I am Groot!”

“I know you like cats, but you can’t just ride every cat you see!”

“I am Groot!” He kicks at Rocket, but lets go of Terrance, who runs out of the room.

Bob and Rose are, once again, stunned into silence.

“Serves ‘im right, stealin’ my pastry.”

“Yondu, please.”

Bob clears his throat. “Anyone up for a movie?”

  
  


_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	45. Episode 45

Now that they know Peter’s grandparents and Zoe’s parents are so close, Yondu decides they need to spend more time on Terra. 

Yondu is on the Davison’s back porch talking to Peter on his wrist com about his idea for Thanksgiving. “Yeah, I figure since it’s so close ta that holiday you and Zoe been talkin’ ‘bout and there ain’t any pressin’ missions the crew needs us back fer, we can stay til after.”

Peter’s image is still and silent, and Yondu thinks the com has a glitch so he taps on it. 

“Stop that, you old doofus. It didn’t glitch.” 

“Wha’s the matter then, son?”

“Are you dying or something?”

“WHAT?! NO! Why ya think that?”

“You’re getting sentimental on me.” Peter’s image shakes his head.

“Naw. It’s jus’...” Yondu pauses and looks inside the kitchen where Zoe sits with her mother. “Ya didn’t have none of this when ya’s little cause I had ta keep ya safe from Ego. Now I don’t gotta worry ‘bout him hurtin’ ya and…”

Both of them are quiet a minute and Peter clears his throat and moves off screen for a brief second before returning. “I get it, Dad.”

Yondu nods. “Good. Alright, then. Don’t let tha Rat and Twig cause too much trouble before me an’ Zoe get back over there ta keep ‘em in line.”

Peter rolls his eyes. “Right, Dad.”

They disconnect and Yondu goes back inside the kitchen where Zoe gives him a bright smile. “Hey, Yondu!”

“Hey, Darlin’, I’s jus’ talkin’ ta Quill. We’re gonna stay til after this tank giving holiday next week.”

Zoe snorts on her tea and Rose spits hers back into her glass. 

“Thanksgiving, Yondu.” Zoe corrects. “It’s Thanksgiving.”

“Tha’s a relief, I’s wonderin’ where y’all was gonna put all them tanks.”

Rose blinks a few times and looks at Zoe. “I hope you’re going to be here this afternoon. It’s my turn to host book club.” She looks at Yondu with a smile. “You’re welcome to join us if you’d like.”

“Sure, sounds like fun!” He’s grinning ear to ear and Zoe just hopes he doesn’t smile quite that wide when the other ladies are there. 

* * *

“Now Yondu, please remember most of these ladies have never met an alien before so I really need you to be on your best behavior.”

Yondu rolls his eyes and pats the hand Zoe has on his upper arm as they walk down the stairs. “Don’t worry, darlin’. I think I got this whole interactin’ with Terrans thing down.”

Zoe’s not so sure and she just prays no one freaks out.

When they make it to her mother’s living room, they find Janis there with another woman who has her back to them. 

Janis sees Yondu and Zoe and smiles. “Yondu! Zoe! Come meet Stella.”

When Stella turns around, her face falls, and Yondu grins ear to ear again. 

“Hey, it’s the cock-shaped fruit lady!”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	46. Episode 46

The words “Hey, it’s the cock-shaped fruit lady!” echo in the suddenly-quiet living room. Zoe places a hand on Yondu’s arm as Stella finds her voice.

“You!” She points a shaking finger in Yondu’s direction.

Janis looks stunned, but manages to speak. “You know Yondu, Stella?”

“He’s… he’s...” But what he was they’ll never know, for Stella passes out, falling ungracefully back onto the couch.

Janis leans over her, lightly tapping the side of her face. “Stella! Zoe, go get some water for her! Stella, can you hear me?”

Zoe grabs Yondu’s hand and pulls him into her mother’s kitchen with her.

“Reckon I need ta go do some CPR on ‘er?”

“Yondu, do  _ not _ go back in there!”

“Just wanna help.”

“I know, but believe me, seeing you is not what she needs right now. Just… just stay here, and if my mom comes downstairs, tell her what happened. Just… don’t mention cock-shaped fruit.”

Yondu shakes his head and sits down at the kitchen table as Zoe hurries back to the living room with a glass of water. He’ll never understand Terrans and their aversion to cock-shaped fruit.

* * *

_ Later, in the guest room at Zoe’s parents’ house… _

“Sorry yer mom had ta cancel her book club meetin’ ‘cause of me.”

Zoe gives him a small smile and kisses his cheek. “It wasn’t your fault, Yondu. I mean, yeah, you really need to stop yelling “cock-shaped fruit” at old ladies, but you couldn’t help it that she passed out. You didn’t know she was going to be there.”

“True. Ah, well, it gives me time ta read tha book so I can join in tha next book club meetin’.”

“You’re… you’re going to read the book?”

“’Course I am! Yer mom said it’s more fun at tha meetin’s if everybody’s read tha book.”

“That’s true, but… still. You do know it’s a romance novel, don’t you?”

Yondu raises a brow and grins. “Romance, huh? Reckon we’ll get some tips.”

Zoe laughs. “Maybe.”

Yondu picks up the book and opens to the first page of the book. “Well, let’s see what it’s got ta say.”

Zoe laughs again. “Well, have fun studying up on romance tips. I’m going to take a shower.”

Yondu didn’t answer, already engrossed in the book.

* * *

Zoe walks back into the guest bedroom as she towels her wet hair. “Are you still reading that book?”

“Yeah, I am, an’ I’m learnin’ all kinds of things! Listen ta this, Zoe! They’s callin’ a man’s cock a ‘ _ truncheon _ !’ Tha’ hell’s a  _ truncheon _ ?”

“It’s a -”

He ignores her and continues, “An’ then says it’s a serpent slitherin’ in! No  _ wonder _ Terran men are so bad at sex, darlin’!”

“Yondu, sometimes romance novels use…_ flowery_ language -”

Yondu closes the book and looks up at Zoe. “Darlin’, I know I ain’t much, but ya gotta be glad ya ain’t gotta worry ‘bout poor Terran lovemakin’.”

Zoe bites her lip. “I am very glad, Yondu.”

“Ya dodged a bullet, Zoe.”

Trying not to laugh, she takes a step closer to him and wraps her arms around his neck. “I know I did.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	47. Episode 47

Yondu is worried about Peter and Gamora’s relationship again after reading the romance novel, which has renewed his fears about Terran men’s abilities. He’s sitting at the Quill’s kitchen table by himself reading the novel one more time when Rocket walks in.

“A Pirate’s Booty?” Rocket jumps up on the table in front of Yondu and takes the book from him. “This some kinda how-to on stealing shit?”

“Nah, Rat, it’s a Terran sex manual.”

Rocket tosses the book at Yondu like it just bit him. He jumps from the table over to the counter next to the sink and washes his paws. “Why’d you let me touch that thing?!”

“Come on, Rat, stop playin’ ‘round, this here’s serious.”

“What is? You and Zoe having issues, ya blue idiot? I knew it was just a matter of time before your little idiot stopped working.”

Yondu glares at Rocket. “Ain’t me with the problem, Rat. I’s worried ‘bout Quill and Gamora. Terran males are so bad at sex they need serious help.” He picks up the book and turns to a page he’s folded down. “Listen ta this…” 

By the time he’s done reading, Rocket has his paws covering his ears and he’s screaming.

“Shut up, Rat!”

“Yondu, don’t you think if our lean green killing machine had a problem with Quill she would have done something about it already? Why do you need to get involved in their sex life?”

“Cause I didn’t raise Quill ta be bad at nothin’. And besides, I like Gamora. Gotta make sure this Terran sex problem ain’t gonna chase ‘er away.”

Rockets rolls his eyes. “I swear, you’re almost worse than Drax.”

Gregg walks into the kitchen and looks around. “I thought I heard screaming in here.”

“It was just me. My ears were bleeding.” Rocket shakes his head and points at the book in Yondu’s hand. “He’s reading that sex manual out loud.”

“Sex manual? What? That’s not…” Gregg looks between the two and rubs a hand over his face. “I don’t even think I want to know.”

“The blue idiot thinks Quill needs help because of some Terran sex problem.”

“Rat! I told ya, this is serious!”

“Wait a minute.” Gregg puts a hand out to stop them and splutters a little bit when he looks at Yondu. “Terran sex problem?”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	48. Episode 48

Gregg pulls out a chair at the kitchen table and joins Yondu and Rocket. “I think I need to sit down for this. What Terran sex problem are we talking about here?”

Yondu shakes his head sadly. “Terran men are notoriously bad at sex. Learned that a while back on one of my visits.”

Rocket raises a brow at Yondu’s tone, which sounds as if Yondu now thinks of himself as something of an expert on Terran men and their experiences.

Gregg still looks stunned. “What… what makes you think the men on, uh, Terra are bad at sex?”

Yondu gives Gregg what he thinks is an encouraging smile. “No need ta try ta cover it up, I already know all about it.”

Gregg shakes his head in a bemused sort of way and looks to Rocket for help.

Rocket lifts his paws in front of him. “Don’t look at me.”

Gregg turns back to Yondu and clears his throat. “So, you, uh, heard about men from Earth, I mean Terra, having problems with sex?”

Yondu nods. “Yep. An’ this here book confirms it. I mean, jus’ listen ta this...”

He picks up the book from the book club and proceeds to read the same passage that he read to Zoe.

Gregg’s eyes widen. “Janis is reading that for her book club?”

“Yep! An’ I’m jus’ concerned about my boy an’ Gamora’s relationship now ‘cause tha last thing Quill needs is fer Gamora ta leave him jus’ cause he’s got a problem with somethin’ he can’t help.”

Gregg is staring at Yondu, completely baffled. “You think Peter has a problem?”

“Has a problem with what?”

Yondu, Rocket, and Gregg turn to find Peter standing in the doorway.

Yondu sighs. “Yer Terran sex problem.”

“DAD! I have  _ told _ you so many times that I  _ don’t _ have a problem!” His face is getting redder by the second. “Why would you tell my  _ granddad _ I have a problem!”

“I already told ya there ain’t nothin’ ta be ashamed about! Ya can’t help it!” He turns back to Gregg. “You got the problem, too, ain’t ya, Gregg?”

“ _ What _ ? No!”

“First step ta getting help is admittin’ ya got a problem. Learned that on tha TV on one a them late-night shows.”

  
  


_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	49. Episode 49

“Yondu, I hate to tell you this, but what you see on TV is mostly fiction.” Gregg tries to explain gently. 

“Fiction? Wha’s tha’?” Yondu screws up his face like he’s trying to figure it out. 

“Made up stuff, Dad. Not real.” 

Yondu’s lip curls up as he considers this. “Why y’all need them rubber cocks then?”

Peter splutters and Gregg has no idea what to even say to that.

Yondu is shaking his head like he simply doesn’t believe them at all. “Ya ever even give that one ya got ta Gamora?”

“WHY would I give her  _ that _ ?!”

“Cause ya need help, son.”

“Help with what?” Gamora walks in the kitchen, sees them all gathered there, and lifts an eyebrow at Peter.

“With the…” Yondu looks at Peter and Gregg then holds his hand to the side of his mouth and drops his voice as if only Gamora can hear him that way. “ _ Terran sex problem _ .”

She folds her arms over her chest and glares at Peter.

“Did he at least give ya that rubber cock?” 

“What?!”

“The hot pink one. Got it at Pornorama when he got yer edible panties.”

Gamora directs her gaze back to Peter. “You told me it was a replacement for Kraglin.”

It's Rocket's turn to splutter, "You two are having sex with Kraglin?"

"NO!!" Peter and Gamora yell in unison.

Peter rubs a hand over his face and opts to go with the truth. "Yondu made me get it. For you!"

"Why do you need a replacement penis? Do you think you have something on it again?"

"No…" Peter's face turns beet red as he looks between Gregg, who looks completely bewildered, and Yondu who is suddenly too interested in the front of his pants.

“Ya got them crabs again, boy?”

The way Peter jerks his body around and into the air makes it look like he’s having a major seizure standing up. “NO!! Shut up, you old doofus!”

Yondu looks at Gamora.

"He thought the Gramosian's were trying to assassinate him again.” She then rolls her eyes. “It was just a freckle."

And with that, Gregg shakes his head and turns to leave. “I don’t think I can handle any more of this conversation.” He stops Janis in the doorway. “I don’t think you want to go in there.”

She looks between her husband and the gathering in her kitchen. 

Yondu smiles, showing all of his teeth, and holds up the romance novel. “Hey Janis, we’s jus’ talkin’ ‘bout the book fer book club.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	50. Episode 50

Yondu walks into the living room to find Gregg in his recliner watching TV. “What’cha watchin’, Gregg?”

Gregg looks over as Yondu collapses onto the couch. “ _ Mary Poppins _ .”

“ _ Mary Poppins _ , huh? Quill told me ‘bout that one! Said he’s cool.”

Gregg raises a brow and looks back to the TV without replying.

After twenty minutes of answering questions, Gregg asks Yondu if he’d like to start the movie from the beginning so he’ll understand what’s going on. “Thanks, Gregg, that’s kind of ya.”

Gregg shakes his head and restarts the movie, closing his eyes for a nap while the part he’s already seen plays again. He also hopes it will keep Yondu from asking more questions.

It doesn’t work.

“So this woman here with tha umbrella, she’s Mary Poppins?”

Gregg sighs and opens his eyes. “Yeah.”

“Huh.”

“Why?”

“Just that Quill told me  _ he _ was cool.”

“Who was cool?”

“Mary Poppins.”

Gregg looks bemused. “Well, I guess she is.”

* * *

After the movie ends, Yondu stands up. “Thanks for tha movie, Gregg. Gotta go find Quill.”

He finds Peter in the yard with Gamora, Rocket, and Groot.

“Got a bone ta pick with ya, son.”

“What?”

“Jus’ watched  _ Mary Poppins _ with yer granddad.”

Peter’s face pales slightly. “Yeah?”

“Yep.”

“What did you think?”

“Ya told me  _ he _ was cool.”

“Uh, yeah, I did. I mean, yeah, Mary is a wo-”

Yondu claps Peter on the shoulder. “I thought it meant ya thought I’s cool, but I didn’t know  _ just how cool _ ya thought I was.”

“Um...”

“Ya ain’t gotta say nothin’, son. Means a lot ta me fer me ta know jus’ how ya feel ‘bout me now.”

“I’m not sure -”

“I gotta meet this Mary Poppins one day. Ain’t ever seen nobody cooler’n her. ‘Cept myself, of course.”

He walks off, leaving Peter standing in silence, staring after him, shaking his head slightly. 

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	51. Episode 51

The aggressive sound of gobbling can be heard from the field in front of where Gregg, Peter, Yondu, Rocket, and Groot are crouched. Gregg has his rifle pointed into the field waiting for one of the larger wild turkeys to come into view. 

“How long’s this turkey huntin’ stuff take?” Yondu asks. His voice almost seems to echo in the otherwise quiet setting.

“However long it takes,” is Gregg’s calm response. He’s been answering questions like that from Yondu about every five minutes for the few hours since they set up in Gregg’s favorite turkey hunting spot.

“ _ Dad _ !” Peter whisper yells at Yondu. “Come on, can’t you be quiet?”

“Jus’ seems like there’s gotta be an easier way ta do this.”

“Where’s Groot?” Rocket suddenly asks.

Peter looks at Yondu. “Wasn’t he on your shoulder?”

“Was last time I looked.”

Rocket rubs his paws over his face.”We’ll never find him out here.”

And just like that, almost as if he heard his name being called, they hear a faint “I am Groot” coming from the field in front of them. 

Out of one side of the clearing comes a turkey running at top speed.

“I think I found him,” Gregg says, as he moves over so Rocket can look through his scope. 

Groot is holding onto the turkey’s neck for dear life.

“I am Groooooooooooooottttttttt!!!”

The turkey starts running back and forth like it’s gone crazy.

Rocket sighs and pulls his blaster from his hip and fires it into the clearing despite shouts from Gregg and Peter. 

Fortunately, it’s just one of his stun bolts and it zaps all of the turkeys in the vicinity.

“I am GrooOOooOOt.”

“Yeah, buddy. I know. It stings.”

Gregg is just staring into the clearing, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Finally, he just shakes his head. “Well, I guess that’s one way to do it.”

“They ain’t all dead. Just stunned for now,” Rocket tells him.

“I guess let’s pick out the biggest one, then.” Gregg shoulders his rifle and they make their way to where Groot lays.

He happened to be riding the largest of the turkeys.

“Good job, Twig.” Yondu tells him and puts Groot back on his shoulder while Gregg takes care of the turkey.

While they’re walking back to Gregg’s truck, he hangs back a bit to speak to Rocket. “Hey, uh...Rocket?”

“Yeah, Grandpa Quill?”

“Do you think you can leave me a few of those?”

Rocket snickers. “Sure.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	52. Episode 52

Yondu walks into the Quills’ kitchen to see Janis slide a pan into the oven, then stand up and wipe her brow with the back of her hand.

“Oh, hello, Yondu!”

“Hey, Janis. What’cha cookin’?”

“I just put the turkey in the oven, so now I’m going to work on some side dishes.”

“Need some help?”

“Oh, no, I think I’ve got it.”

“Ya sure?”

“Yes.” She picks up another bowl and starts pouring ingredients into it. “Where’s Zoe?”

“She’s helpin’ her mom cook. I think I’s jus’ gettin’ in their way. Thought I’d come over an’ see how thing’s was goin’ over here. Quill ain’t helpin’ ya cook?”

“No, he’s out with Gregg.”

“Huh.”

Yondu sits at the kitchen table as he watches Janis mix the ingredients together.

“Ya puttin’ any slurbs in that?”

“Any  _ what _ ?”

“Slurbs.”

“Er, no. No… slurbs.”

“They add a nice touch ta just ‘bout anythin’.”

“Oh, I’ll, um… keep that in mind.”

“Ya makin’ a pie fer tomorrow?”

“I’m planning on it!”

“Apple?”

“Yes, actually.”

Yondu grins. “That apple pie ya made that time was tha best pie I ever had.”

“I’m glad you liked it!”

“I still remember how ya said ta make it. Why don’t I do that while you finish what yer workin’ on. Least I can do.”

“Oh, you really don’t have to do that, Yon-”

“It ain’t a problem at all.” Yondu is already on his feet, gathering the ingredients he needs.

“And you’re sure you remember the recipe?”

“Ever bit of it!”

“And you’re not going to add anything extra? No slurbs?”

“Nope, no slurbs. Wouldn’t wanna mess up yer recipe, an’ I ain’t sure how many slurbs I’d need to counter all tha sugar, anyway.”

“Right...”

Twenty minutes later, Yondu is covered in flour, but has finished slicing apples and mixing the ingredients. He’s pouring the mixture onto the pie crust when Peter walks into the kitchen.

“What are you doing, you old doofus?”

“Peter! You shouldn’t talk to Yondu that way!”

“Yeah, yer grandma’s right! An’ fer yer information, I’m makin’ an apple pie!”

“ _ You’re _ making the apple pie? Grandma, you always make the pie!”

“Well, Yondu made it this year, and I’m sure it will be delicious.”

Peter drops into a chair. “It probably has  _ slurbs _ in it!”

“It ain’t got no slurbs in it! I ain’t got none with me, or I woulda been sure ta put  _ extra _ in yer slice.”

“See what I have to put up with from him, Grandma?”

“If you don’t stop being so ungrateful,  _ I’m _ going to put slurbs in the pie next time.”

“Grandma!”

“I know where ya can get a good deal on ‘em, Janis.”

Peter looks queasy and stands up. “I’m going outside.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	53. Episode 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late posting, everyone! This is the Thanksgiving Day episode.

It’s Thanksgiving morning and Yondu is looking forward to all the food and what he thinks of as weird Terran traditions. Zoe and Peter are excited to be home spending time with their families so he’s excited too. He jogs down the stairs, humming one of the tunes from  _ Mary Poppins _ .

When he gets to the living room, he finds it empty.

Continuing to happily hum to himself, he walks over to the couch and picks up the remote from the arm of Gregg’s recliner and sits down. When he turns the TV on he’s greeted with the sight of giant creatures flying down the street of one of the Terran cities. They’re all shapes and sizes and a myriad of different colors.

Yondu tries to figure out what planet they might be from but he’s just not sure. 

Suddenly one of the creatures dives into the crowd, scattering the Terrans and causing a flurry of commotion. 

The Terrans don’t know what to do. 

“Quill!!” He jumps up from the couch and runs into the kitchen where he finds Zoe, Janis, Gamora, Peter, and the cock-shaped fruit lady peeling funny shaped brown things. At the moment her name escapes him, but he remembers Zoe’s instruction not to yell ‘cock-shaped fruit’ at old ladies anymore.

Peter looks up and sees Yondu in the doorway looking frantic. “What’s the matter, Dad…”

Cock-shaped fruit lady looks at Peter in alarm. “HE’S your father?”

“Well...kinda. He’s my dad. My father…”

“WE DON’T HAVE TIME FER THIS!” Yondu booms which makes them still their movement and look at him. “Zoe, Janis, and...uh…”

“Stella!!” Zoe yells at him, praying the words ‘cock-shaped fruit’ don’t leave his mouth.

“...okay, yeah, Stella, y’all get under the table. Gamora, ya protect ‘em. Quill, we gotta get ahold of Kraglin…”

Before Peter can respond to ask what in the galaxies is going on, Gregg walks in with Rocket and Groot, and sees Yondu with the remote.

“Hey Yondu, is the parade on yet?”

“Parade?” Yondu stops and thinks. He vaguely recalls mention of something the Terrans did on Thanksgiving with balloons and marching and something else they called floats.

Peter looks at Yondu and walks out into the living room, then starts laughing hysterically.

The rest of them hurry into the living room to see him bent over at the waist and pointing at the TV. One of the balloons appears to have had an issue which stalled the parade and sent people into a momentary panic. Including Yondu.

“This ain’t funny, boy!” Yondu fists one hand on his hip and points at the TV as Rocket starts to snicker at the grinning image of SpongeBob that grows while the cameraman zooms in. “There’s an invasion goin’ on and yer laughin’?”

“Oh no…” Zoe suddenly realizes what happened. “Yondu, it’s not an invasion, it’s just the parade. Those are balloons.”

“Balloons? But tha’ weird yellow’un attacked them people.”

The banner at the bottom of the screen continues to scroll across the TV…

_ SPONGEBOB BALLOON DEFLATES, BLANKETS CROWD _

Yondu reaches back and scratches his neck. “Huh. Y’all Terran’s holidays don’t make no damn sense.”

Zoe and Peter just look at each other as Yondu goes back upstairs.

“Come on, everyone, let’s finish getting everything ready. Rose and Bob will be here shortly.” Janis motions for them all to go back to the kitchen and puts them to work.

Later, when the food is all done and everyone is sitting around the table, Gregg suggests they all share one thing they’re thankful for.

Yondu clears his throat. “Can I say somethin’ first?”

Peter groans and scrubs a hand over his face.

Zoe tries to pull him back down into his seat. 

Gregg and Janis exchange a look, but Gregg looks at him and motions for him to go ahead.

He stands up and looks around the table. “I’s...uh…thankful I gotta second chance after Ego...I know I ain’t the best at tellin’ any of ya how much ya mean ta me, but yer tha best family I could ask fer.” With that he grins at Stella. “Y’all too...uhhhh...cock-shaped fruit...Stella!”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	54. Episode 54

Yondu pulls on his coat and straightens his collar, his reflection grinning back at him. “It’s been too long since I’ve pulled a heist,” he mutters to himself.

He walks downstairs and finds Zoe watching TV with her parents.

“Hey, Yondu. Where are you going so late?”

“Shoppin’.”

Zoe looks at him in concern. “Shopping? It’s almost midnight, Yondu.”

“Yeah, tha lady on tha news said tha best deals are gonna be startin’ ‘round 1:00, an’ I don’t wanna miss ‘em.”

He rubs his hands together in glee and grins at Zoe, who still looks confused.

“You… you want to go shopping on Black Friday?”

“Now I ain’t askin’ ya ta go. Know ya ain’t really big on pulling heists, but -”

“ _ Heists _ ?” She jumps from the couch and pulls Yondu into the kitchen, leaving her parents sitting in stunned silence. “Yondu Udonta, what are you planning?”

He shrugs. “Jus’ a little Black Friday fun.”

“Do you even know what Black Friday on Terra means?”

“Sure, ya go out in tha middle of tha night ta tha malls, steal a bit, an’ come on. I gotta say, I didn’t know y’all Terrans had anythin’ like this. Woulda brought my Ravagers ‘round a long time ago if I’d known.”

Zoe closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Yondu, no.”

Rose walks into the kitchen. “Is everything okay?”

“Sure is! I’s jus’ tellin’ Zoe my plans ta go Black Friday shoppin’.”

“I didn’t know you were interested! I used to go every year. We could have made a night of it.”

Yondu looks surprised. “Ya used ta pull heists? Where’s tha best place ta hit?”

“ _ Heists _ ?”

Zoe gently guides her mother back to the kitchen door. “Yondu is just confused, Mom. He’s not going anywhere. Go back and finish the movie.” She turns back to Yondu after her mother leaves, then crosses her arms. “ _ You are not going on a heist tonight.” _

Yondu gives her a stubborn look. “Reckon I am. Don’t see why all tha Terrans get ta go stealin’ while I gotta stay here. How’s that gonna look? I’m a professional Ravager, got a reputation ta uphold, an’ if tha Terrans see me -”

“Yondu, Black Friday does  _ not  _ involve heists or stealing!”

“Tha woman on tha news said ‘Ya ain’t gonna wanna miss this steal!’, an’ I reckon she’s right.”

“Yondu, I’m sure she just meant it was a deal,  _ not  _ that you should go  _ steal it _ .”

Yondu looks skeptical. “Ya sure ‘bout this?

“I’m positive.” She watches Yondu sigh and turn to leave the kitchen. “Where are you going now?”

“Gotta go send a comm ta Kraglin.”

“Why?”

“Ta tell ‘im not ta bring Stakar an’ tha others down here fer tha heist.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	55. Episode 55

Janis, Rose, and Stella are sitting at Rose’s kitchen table discussing plans for the day when Zoe walks in. 

Stella looks behind her. “Is that blue alien with you?”

Zoe winces at the older woman’s tone. She really hopes that eventually the two can get over the cock-shaped fruit debacle and get along. “No, Stella, he’s out with my Dad, Peter, and Peter’s grandfather.”

“He have nicknames for Gregg and Bob, too?” 

“Uh...well…” She considers some of the not-so-nice things she’s heard Yondu call Peter. Other than ‘Zoe’s dad’ or ‘Quill’s Grandad,’ she’s never heard Yondu call either one anything quite like his nickname for Stella. “Not really. I just think he really likes you.”

“Not sure how I feel about that.”

Rose looks between the two with a bemused look on her face. “Stella, Yondu really is very sweet. I just think he’s had a bit of a rough life so he shows fondness for people a little differently.”

Stella starts to say something until Janis claps her hands together.

“Zoe, we were just discussing plans for our trip to the retirement home this afternoon. Do you want to come along? It’s Mr. Bridgers’ 98th birthday and we’re going to make him a gluten-free, sugar-free…” 

“Taste-free…” Stella interrupts.

“Cake…” Janis finishes and shakes her head at her friend. “It will not be taste-free. We’re putting applesauce in it.”

Rose looks at her watch, “Well, speaking of cake, if we want to get it done in time for the party we better go.”

Zoe smiles at the three women. “Are you sure my coming along won’t be any trouble?”

Stella snorts. “Are you going to yell…” She drops her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “... _ cock-shaped fruit  _ at anyone?”

“NO!”

“Then you won’t be any trouble at all.” Stella grins at her while the other two just shake their heads.

* * *

Later that evening, Zoe is sitting on the bed in her old room at her parents' house reading a book when Yondu walks in.

She smiles at him when he walks over and kisses her lightly. “Hey, Yondu, did you and the guys have fun today?”

“Yeah. We went ta a tractor pull. Had no idea y’all had such mean critters down here.”

Zoe just stares at him for a second then shakes her head. “Okaaaay.”

“What’d y’all girls do?”

“I went to the retirement home my mom, Janis, and Stella volunteer at for one of the resident’s 98th birthday parties.”

Yondu grins at the word  _ party _ . “That so?”

“Yeah, it was fun. All of the residents really enjoyed it. Even the gluten-free, sugar-free cake.”

“Y’all punishin’ ‘em fer somethin’?”

“What? No. Why?”

“Sugar-free don’t sound fun ta me.”

“Now you sound like Stella.”

“I knew there’s a reason I liked her.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	56. Episode 56

The next morning, Yondu and Zoe enter the Quills’ kitchen to find Peter, Gamora, Rocket, Groot, Gregg, and Janis finishing up breakfast.

Janis gives a cheery wave. “Good morning! Have a seat and help yourselves!”

“Oh, no, thank you, Janis, we just – Yondu, we just ate breakfast at my parents’ house!”

Yondu has grabbed a plate and is already filling it with everything on the table. “Well, Janis is a good cook, an’ ya can’t jus’ pass up good cookin’.”

Zoe rolls her eyes and sits down next to him as Janis beams. “Thank you, Yondu! Here, take another biscuit, I know you like them.”

Yondu grins. “Ya know I do, Janis.”

Gregg pours himself another cup of coffee and asks, “What are your plans for the day, Janis?”

“Oh, Rose, Stella, and I are going back to the retirement home to volunteer again. You’re all welcome to join us, if you want.”

Gregg says he already has plans to go shopping for new fishing gear with Bob, but Yondu asks, “What’s a retirement home?”

“It’s a facility where older people live together for various reasons. It’s a good way for elderly people to socialize and participate in recreational activities.”

“Y’all just keep all y’all’s old people in one place? That so ya don’t lose ‘em?”

Janis looks taken aback. “No, it’s not to keep from losing them… it’s just helpful for some elderly people who would otherwise have to live alone or for those who might need a little assistance.”

“Oh, I see.” He takes another bite of his food as Janis gives him a searching look.

“Would you like to come along so you can see for yourself?”

Zoe looks as though she’s about to say something, but before she can, Yondu replies, “Yeah, I’d like that!”

Zoe and Peter exchange a look but keep their thoughts to themselves.

* * *

“Yondu,  _ please _ behave today.”

“Don’t worry, darlin’, I will.”

“Don’t mention cock-shaped fruit!”

“Relax, Zoe. I ain’t gonna mention cock fruit ta tha old people.”

Somehow, Zoe isn’t reassured.

Peter and Gamora also came along, much to the delight of Janis. “I’m so glad you’ve decided to come with me, Peter! I’ve been telling some of the residents about my grandson for years, and I know they’ll be so happy to finally get to meet you.”

Gamora and Zoe get pulled after Rose and Stella to join in with games with the residents while Janis grabs Peter and Yondu by the arms and drags them to the kitchen.

“We do meal times in two sessions since we have so many residents. It’s almost time for the first group! You two can help us serve them, and then you can just mingle with the residents. They love talking to new people.”

After they’ve served the residents, Peter and Yondu sit down at a table with two older men who introduce themselves as Lou and Ray. The men take the appearance of Yondu in stride and things are going well, much to Peter’s surprise.

Janis walks over to the table and places a bowl of jello in front of both Peter and Yondu. “Here you are, boys! We had a little extra today, so there’s plenty more if you finish that!”

She bustles off to help Rose and Zoe with another resident, while Yondu stares at his jello, finally poking it with his spoon.

“Tha hell’s this stuff?”

Peter looks up at him and waits a second before replying, having already taken a bite of jello. “It’s jello.”

“Why’s it jigglin’?”

Peter shrugs. “Dunno. It’s just what it does.”

“Looks disgustin’.”

Lou nods. “That’s the same thing I’ve been saying for five years, and they  _ still _ serve it at least three times a week! Made outta bones, you know.”

Yondu drops his spoon on the table. “ _ Bones _ ?”

The man nods again. “Yep. It’s got gelatin in it, which is made by boiling the bones of animals.”

There’s a loud clinking noise as Peter drops his spoon into his empty bowl. “Why do you say that  _ after _ I’ve already eaten mine!”

“Can’t help it you ate it so fast. That’ll teach ya not to inhale your food like some kind of animal.”

Peter has turned a pale shade of green and Yondu pushes his own bowl of jello further away down the table.

“Y’all Terrans are stranger’n I ever thought. Cock fruit and  _ bones _ .”

Ray nods sagely. “Always hated eggplant.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	57. Episode 57

Zoe hears the telltale sound of an M-ship touching down in the field behind the Quill’s house. She looks at her mother and Stella, who are sitting at the table with her and Janis, and hopes that whoever is arriving won’t freak either of them out.

Several minutes later, Kraglin and Drax walk into the kitchen. 

“Hello, Quill’s Grandmother and Quill’s Grandmother’s friends. Hello, Zoe.” Drax greets them all.

“Hey, ever’body.” Kraglin’s greeting is a little less stilted.

“Mom, Janis, Stella, this is Kraglin and Drax.” Zoe introduces them and notes out of the corner of her eye that Stella is particularly interested in Drax. “Guys, this is my mom, Rose, Peter’s grandmother, Janis, and a mutual family friend, Stella.”

“You boys are just in time,” Janis tells them and stands from the table. She walks over to the pantry door and opens it, revealing several boxes. “We’re getting ready to volunteer at the soup kitchen, and these boxes have to go.”

Kraglin perks up and looks over at Janis. “Soup?”

Zoe shakes her head. Everyone on board the Eclector is well aware of the First Mate’s penchant for soup of all kinds. “It’s not how it sounds, Kraglin. They might make soup, but it’s a place where people who don’t have a lot of resources can go for a free hot meal.”

“Why do you Terrans not have enough food?” Drax interjects.

Janis smiles at him. “It’s not that we don’t have enough food, Drax. Some Ear...uh...Terrans don’t earn enough to make ends meet and need a little help.”

Drax looks like he wants to say more and Zoe jumps up from the table. “Why don’t we continue this discussion in the car? Guys, can you get those boxes for us?”

They grab all of the boxes and head out to Janis’ SUV, which they all pile into, and head over to the soup kitchen. 

When they get there, Kraglin is ecstatic to hear that they are serving tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch.

Kraglin happily serves the soup while Drax hangs out in the back putting boxes of food together. Zoe prays he’s less likely to ask one of his sometimes inappropriate questions if he’s occupied with that. 

At the end of the day, both of them are a hit, and the head of the soup kitchen invites them back.

“Will ya have soup?”

The pastor looks between Zoe and Kraglin. “Uhm, we do sometimes.”

“I can be here anytime ya got soup.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	58. Episode 58

The next morning at breakfast, Kraglin announces to everyone that Nebula and Mantis will be arriving sometime that day.

“She bringin’ tha kittens, son?”

“Yeah.”

Zoe’s eyes widen. “ _ All _ of them?”

Kraglin shrugs. “We can’t leave ‘em all alone up there. They’s jus’ babies.”

“I… I know, but  _ still… _ that’s a  _ lot _ of kittens to bring to Terra.”

Janis smiles at Kraglin. “How many kittens do you have?”

“Twenty-five.”

She chokes on the sip of coffee she’d just taken and Gregg slaps her on the back.

“Twen… twenty- _ five _ ?” she sputters.

“Yep. We’s gonna keep ‘em on Neb’s ship when she comes down. Ya ain’t gotta worry ‘bout ‘em botherin’ ya.”

“Oh. Oh, no, I wasn’t thinking that at all. I just…  _ twenty-five _ .”

Peter grabs another biscuit and takes a bite, his mouth still full as he says, “Yeah, you don’t have to worry about it. They’ve got ‘em trained.”

Gamora lightly slaps his arm. “ _ Please  _ don’t talk with your mouth full.”

“Gamora’s right, Peter.” Janis gives him a reproving look.

“Yeah, Quill, don’t talk with your mouth full.”

“Shut up, Rocket.”

* * *

A couple of hours later, Janis and Zoe are in the living room when they hear the sound of another M-ship landing in the yard.

Kraglin runs through the room on his way to the front door. “Neb’s here!”

Five minutes later, Kraglin returns, followed by Nebula, Mantis, and all twenty-five kittens.

Janis stares in shock as the kittens walk in a perfectly straight line into the living room, then sit and look at her.

“This is Nebula, Janis. An’ this is Mantis.”

“He-Hello, Nebula. Hello, Mantis.”

Nebula nods, but Mantis waves and says, “Hello!”

Janis gives a small smile. “And these must be your kittens...”

Nebula nods again. “Say hello, kittens.”

“Meow!”

Janis laughs. “They  _ are _ trained very well, aren’t they?”

“We shall be increasing their training soon. They shall be trained to go into battle with us.”

Janis looks stunned. “ _ Battle _ ?”

“Yes.”

“You’re… you’re going into battle soon?”

Zoe places a hand on Janis’ arm. “No, Janis, nobody is planning to go into battle soon.”

Nebula tilts her head in acknowledgment of Zoe’s statement. “But we must always be prepared for the possibility.” She turns to the kittens, and continues, “Kittens! Outside now! It’s time for testing your agility on Terran grass.”

The kittens skip out merrily, followed by Kraglin, Nebula, and Mantis.

When they’re gone, Janis turns to Zoe. “Trained kittens! I never thought I’d see the day.”

Zoe laughs. “You get used to it after a while.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	59. Episode 59

Zoe is sitting at the Quill’s kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and reading a magazine when Yondu walks in with an axe over his shoulder. 

“Uh...Yondu...what are you doing with the axe?”

He grins at her then bends down to give her a kiss. “Gonna find a decoratin’ tree fer Janis and Gregg. Ya know, ta say thanks for bein’ such good hosts anytime we come ta visit.”

She smiles at his thoughtfulness. “Oh well, that’s really sweet, Yondu. Do you want any help?” 

“Nah, Drax and Krags is comin’ with me.” He leans back to look in the living room when he hears someone coming down the stairs. “Don’t tell the boy though, he can’t keep ‘is mouth shut.”

Laughing she makes a zipping motion over her mouth.

He looks at her funny and studies her lips. “Ya got somethin’ wrong with yer lips, darlin’? They seemed fine when I kissed ya. Ya don’t got that droolin’ problem Peter does, do ya?”

“Wha...No!” Zoe drops her face into her hand and shakes her head. “It just means I won’t say anything.”

“Oh, a’right, then.” Yondu looks to the back door when Kraglin and Drax come in.

“Ya ready, Cap’n?”

“It is time to search for Groot’s cousins.”

Zoe looks at Drax like she wants to say something then changes her mind. Yondu kisses her again and she waves at them as they leave. 

Gamora and Peter walk in right after the other three are gone.

“Where’s Dad going with Drax and Krags?” He asks and grabs an apple from the bowl on the table.

Gamora shakes her head when he hands it to her. 

Gregg walks in right as Gamora is extending her sword to cut the apple for Peter.

“You know we have an apple cutter in the drawer right?”

The sword retracts and Gamora points Peter to the drawer his grandfather is gesturing toward. 

“Aww, man.”

* * *

Several hours later, Zoe, Janis, Gregg, Peter, and Gamora are sitting in the living room playing a game of Yahtzee.

“Zoe!”

Zoe scrunches up her face at the sound of Yondu yelling her name from the front yard. When she gets out onto the porch she stops dead in her tracks. 

Yondu, Drax, and Kraglin are carrying an evergreen tree that must be at least twenty feet long with branches six to eight feet wide at the base. 

“Oh my God, Dad. That tree is bigger than my future!!”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	60. Episode 60

As the group stands and stares at Yondu’s giant tree, Yondu misinterprets the silence for awe. “Good, ain’t it?”

Zoe’s eyes are wide, and it takes a moment for her to find her voice. “It’s… it’s really big, Yondu.”

“Sure is! Biggest we could find!”

Janis takes a step closer to the tree. “It’s lovely, Yondu, but I’m not sure...”

Gregg shakes his head. “Not sure? There’s no way that tree’s going in the house.”

“Well, you never know, Gregg, we might be able -”

“No, Janis. It’s impossible.”

“Ain’t nothin’ impossible, Gregg. We can jus’ kinda squeeze it in through tha back door and sorta push it through tha kitchen ta tha livin’ room.”

Janis pales at the thought of the giant tree being pushed through her kitchen.

“Dad, I really don’t think it’s going to work.”

Gregg walks to the tree and puts his hands on his hips. “Where did you get this one, anyway?”

“Found a nice group a trees ‘bout three miles that way.” Yondu jerks his thumb to his right and continues, “They’s all in a clearin’ surrounded by some buildings. Figured the tree’d be happier here than somewhere like that.”

Gregg takes a step back. “So you didn’t get it from my property or the neighbors’? Are you sure you didn’t get it from over there?” He points in the opposite direction from where Yondu pointed.

“Nope.”

Zoe covers her mouth with her hands for a moment before she lowers them and says, “Yondu… were there any signs around?”

“Yeah, reckon so.”

Drax speaks up for the first time. “One of the signs said, ‘City Park. Please stay off the grass.’ I remember it because I did not appreciate not being allowed to walk on the grass. No one tells me where I can walk!”

Zoe’s hands return to her mouth and she says weakly, “Oh no. Oh, Yondu, no.”

“What? It’s a tree, ain’t it? Trees are fer ever’body ta enjoy.”

“Yeah, but not to  _ chop them down _ for a Christmas tree!”

“Well, ain’t nobody gonna know but us.”

“Did anyone  _ see  _ you chop down the tree?”

“Er, couple people mighta passed by.”

Gregg and Janis look alarmed. “Gregg, we can’t leave the tree out here! What if someone sees?!” Janis looks around as though expecting to see police rushing into her yard at any moment. 

“Calm down, Janis. I’ll just go down to city hall and explain. I’ll probably just have to pay a fine or promise to plant some trees or something. Just, uh, in the meantime, drag that tree around to the backyard. Don’t want to advertise that we’ve stolen city property.”

“Ya got tha makin’s of a Ravager, Gregg! That’s tha first thing ya gotta learn ta be a good Ravager – don’t advertise yer theft.”

Gregg looks helplessly at Yondu. “Uh, yeah. Good advice.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	61. Episode 61

Gregg comes back from his trip to City Hall after explaining the situation and having to pay a thousand dollar fine. When he gets out of his truck and walks around to the back of the house, he finds the tree half propped up onto the back deck.

He shakes his head and lets out an exasperated sigh as he makes his way to the back door. Pausing before he goes inside, he turns, looks around, and gives the tree a good swift kick.

“I am Groot.”

Jumping back a step, he stares at the tree. No one is around that he can see and he takes a tentative step toward the tree and shakes it.

“I am Groot!”

“What the hell?” Gregg folds his arms over his chest and studies the tree for a minute. Scrubbing his hand over his eyes, he turns back to the door and opens it. “Pete! Get out here.”

“What’s wrong, Grandad?” Peter walks out onto the deck just as he pops the last bite of one of his grandmother’s cookies into his mouth. 

“Pete, what have we told you about talking with your mouth full?”

“Thwarry…”

Gregg just closes his eyes and shakes his head. When he opens them again, Peter is looking at him and swallows. “What do you make of this?”

When he shakes the tree again, they hear, “I. Am. Groot!”

Peter’s eyes get wide and he reaches out to pet one of the branches. “Groot? Is that you?”

“I am Groot?”

“Oh, shit.” He gets a panicked look on his face and opens the back door. “Rocket! ROCKET!”

Rocket appears in the kitchen doorway with an incredulous look on his face. “What’s the matter, Quill? Someone steal your sandwich?” 

“No! Just get out here!”

“Fine, geez. Calm down. You’re going to make that vein in the side of your neck explode.”

When Rocket steps out onto the deck, he looks between Gregg, who looks mildly bewildered, and Peter, who still looks panicked.

“What’s the matter with you two?”

Gregg reaches out and shakes the tree again. 

“I. AM. GROOT!”

“Groot! What the hell are you doing in the tree?” Rocket rushes the tree and sticks his head in the branches.

“Oh, thank God.” Peter deflates a little. “You mean he’s not the tree?”

The look Rocket shoots him makes Peter shrink back a little bit. “Of course not, you moron.”

“Is he okay in there?” Gregg looks the tree up and down trying to figure out exactly where Groot is inside of the branches.

“Hey, Groot, why don’t you come out, buddy? It’s gonna be dark soon and it’ll get cold.”

“I am Groot... _ I am Groot _ . I am Groot.”

Rocket sighs and pats the tree limbs. “All right, buddy. You can stay in the tree until it gets dark.”

“I am Groot!!”

“Don’t make me come in there.”

“I am Groot.”

“Fine.”

“What did he say?” Gregg looks between the tree and Rocket, a puzzled expression still on his face.

“Eh, you probably don’t want to know.”

At that point, Gregg looks completely exasperated by the whole thing and starts to go inside, but pauses in the doorway. “Hey, Pete, where’s Yondu?”

“At the Davisons’ for dinner. Why?”

“I need to talk to him about a payment plan.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like our work, kudos are appreciated. If you love it, comments are wonderful. If you have constructive criticism or questions, let's talk. If you leave blatantly rude or negative comments, know that no hate is allowed here and will be deleted. And if you read our work and are too shy to interact right now, know that's okay too.
> 
> We can be found on Tumblr at https://astheravagerturns.tumblr.com where the Ravagers take questions and Yondu talks to his fans.


	62. Episode 62

Groot obediently runs into the Quills’ kitchen once it’s dark, and Rocket tosses him a bag of candy. “Good job, Groot.”

“I am Groot!” He grabs the bag and runs out of the room again.

Janis frowns. “You shouldn’t have given him candy right before dinner! He’ll ruin his appetite.”

Rocket shakes his head. “Nothin’ ruins his appetite, believe me.”

* * *

The next afternoon, Rocket is in Gregg’s garage going through a box of tools when Nebula and Kraglin walk inside.

“Ya seen tha kittens, Rocket?”

“Nope. Why?”

“They are not on the M-ship and it is time for their training.”

Rocket rolls his eyes. “I can’t imagine why they’d be hiding when it’s time for  _ training _ .”

“Well, if ya see ‘em, jus’ let us know.”

Rocket waves a paw then continues going through Gregg’s tools. “You got it.”

* * *

Thirty minutes later, Rocket is walking through the Quills’ backyard when he sees Yondu’s giant tree, which is still propped up against the house, shaking as though something is moving through the branches.

“Groot! Get out of there!”

He hears a faint, “I am Groot,” then a louder “meow.”

“Oh,  _ great _ . Groot, you and the kittens come on out.”

“I am  _ Groot _ !”

“I don’t care what the kittens want to do, you’re going to get lost in that tree and then you’ll get left on Terra when we leave.”

“I am GROOT.”

“Groot, I swear. If you don’t get out of there, Nebula’s gonna find out and you know you don’t want her mad at you.”

“I am Groot?”

“No way! I’m not standing between you and Nebula!”

“Meow!”

“Meow?”

“ _ Meow _ .”

“I am Groot.”

“What are they saying, Groot?”

“I am Groot!”

“What the - ? Ruining your fun, am I? Fine! I’ll just let Nebula handle it!”

“Handle what?”

Rocket jumps and clutches his chest. “Can you let people know when you’re walking up on them? Almost gave me heart failure.”

“What do I need to handle?” Her knife is in her hand faster than Rocket could even see where she pulled it from, and then she continues, “Is it the kittens? Are they in danger?”

Her eyes begin to search the area and her focus is suddenly directed to the tree, which is still shaking slightly. “Kittens!”

Kraglin comes running around the corner of the house, clutching a stitch in his side. “Did you find ‘em, Neb? Are they okay?”

Nebula ignores him. “Kittens! Out of the tree,  _ now _ !”

“Meow!”

“Do not make me tell you again.”

The tree starts shaking harder than before, and Rocket shouts, “Groot! Come on out now, buddy.”

Gregg walks around the corner of the house carrying bags of groceries. “What’s going on out -”

The rest of his sentence is muffled as the tree falls over on top of him.

Kittens scatter in all directions, Groot riding on the back of one of them.

A hand reaches up out of the branches and Kraglin runs over to help Gregg out of the tree just as Janis walks out onto the porch.

“Gregg! Stop playing in that tree and come inside for dinner.”

_ Stay tuned for the next episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	63. Episode 63

After dropping Gamora, Mantis, and Peter off at the mall, Zoe drops Drax and Kraglin off at the soup kitchen. She’s just glad Nebula decided to stay back at the Quill’s with the kittens after the tree fiasco yesterday. Groot promised to behave if he could stay with Janis for the day and Rocket is helping Gregg with some upgrades to his RV.

Zoe doesn’t even want to imagine what upgrades they might be and hopes… no, prays… her father doesn’t find out what Rocket can do.

When she pulls into the Quill’s driveway, everything is deceptively calm. Zoe doesn’t trust it. She knows someone, somewhere is causing some kind of trouble. 

She walks through the front door into the kitchen to find Janis and Groot at the kitchen table stringing popcorn. Groot is standing in the middle of a pile of kernels, and when he sees Zoe, holds one up.

“I am Groot.”

“That’s great, Groot! Thank you for helping Janis.”

“He’s been such a sweet little helper.” Janis smiles as she takes the puffed corn from Groot and stabs her needle through it. 

“Uhm… I’m almost afraid to ask, but where’s Yondu?”

Janis points to the back porch. “He asked Gregg to take him up to the store and has been on the porch since they got back.”

“The store? He doesn’t have any Terran money.”

“Apparently he has another credit card.”

“Oh, no.”

She darts out the back door to find Yondu’s tree propped up against the side of the house now. There are plastic bags and empty ornament boxes strewn all over the porch. An ungodly amount of tinsel hangs off one side of the tree while the other side seems to be covered in fake snow. 

“Oh, my God,” she exclaims when she makes it to the bottom of the steps and sees the front of the tree. 

It literally looks like a big box store threw up on it. Every decoration imaginable covers the tree. There’s no kind of theme or reason to them at all. Not a single branch is undecorated. 

Except, Zoe realizes when she looks up, towards the top, where she finds Yondu on a ladder adding pink and purple garland.

“Ain’t it great?” He beams at her.

“It’s- it’s something all right.” She tells him. “Can you come down from there?”

“Sure.” He climbs down the ladder to stand in front of her, and grins before leaning in for a kiss. “Best Christmas tree decoratin’ ya ever seen, right?”

She’s still looking up toward the top where the garland starts. “Well, it’s definitely different.”

“Thinkin’ ‘bout offerin’ my services ta the Terrans.” He fists his hands on his hips as he tilts his head back to look at his handiwork.

Zoe swings her head to look at him so fast she nearly gives herself whiplash. “Wait. What?”

“Yeah. Christmas tree decoratin’ service. We can come here b’fore every Christmas and I can advertise my services. Earn some Terran money.” He scratches the back of his head. “Gotta pay Gregg back somehow.”

“I don’t even know what to say to that, Yondu.” She stares at him for a few seconds before looking between the porch and the tree. “What made you want to do this anyway?”

He shrugs. “Figured since Groot and tha kittens liked it so much, I should at least decorate it. ‘Specially since it can’t fit in the Quill’s house. They should have a decorated tree fer Christmas.”

A million responses run through Zoe’s head but she looks at Yondu. His heart is in the right place. She puts her arms around his neck and kisses him. “That’s a very sweet gesture.”

“Wanna help me put the star on the top?”

“Why don’t we leave that for when everyone is together?”

“Good idea, darlin’”

She doesn’t have the heart to tell  him the ‘star’ he got won’t be visible twenty feet in the air with everything else on the tree.

_ Stay tuned for more episodes of… As the Ravager Turns _


	64. Season Finale

Gregg stands and looks at the tree, hands on his hips, and shakes his head. “I just don’t see any way it’s going in the house, Yondu.”

“I’s afraid ya’s gonna say that.”

Janis walks around the side of the tree to stand next to them. “What if you got your chainsaw out and tried to cut some of it off? Maybe shorten it up a bit?”

Gregg sighs. “I can try, but I don’t think it will do any good.”

He goes to his garage and returns with his chainsaw. “Stand back, now.” The group backs up and Gregg clears his throat. “Probably best if you back up a little more.”

They obediently back up a little more, and Yondu calls out, “Ya need any help handlin’ that chainsaw, Gregg?”

“Uh, no, I think I got it.”

As Gregg starts the chainsaw and tries to find a place to start cutting, Yondu leans over to whisper to Zoe.

She shakes her head. “What?! I can’t hear you over the chainsaw, Yondu!”

“I said I don’t see what’s wrong with my tree!”

“There’s nothing  _ wrong  _ with it, Yondu, it’s just too big!”

“Well, I like it!”

The sound of the chainsaw dies off and Zoe lowers her voice. “I like it too, Yondu, it just won’t fit in their house.”

Gregg calls out, “It’s no good!”

Janis, Zoe, and Yondu walk back to join Gregg at the tree, and Janis asks, “Isn’t there anything you can do?”

“Not without tearing up my chainsaw.”

Janis turns to Yondu. “I’m sorry, dear. And you went to so much trouble to get it for us!”

“S’okay, Janis. We can still leave it up out here. I’ll go ‘head an’ put tha star on top.”

He walks into the house and returns with Groot sitting on his shoulder. Groot waves the star above his head and shouts, “I am Groot!”

Rocket, Peter, Gamora, Nebula, Kraglin, and all twenty-five kittens follow behind them and join Yondu, Zoe, Gregg, and Janis around the tree.

“Twig’s gonna put the star on top of tha tree fer us.”

Groot hops off Yondu’s shoulder and scurries up the tree, the shaking branches marking his progress. They hear a faint “I am Groot!” and then the branches shake again as Groot makes his way back down.

Peter squints. “Is the star up there? I can’t tell.”

Gregg takes his glasses out of his pocket and puts them on. “Uh, I think so.”

“’Course it is! Twig ain’t gonna let us down.”

Groot finally joins them on the ground and the kittens start scampering around the tree with him.

Yondu rubs his hands together. “Now I gotta surprise fer y’all!”

Zoe’s eyes widen slightly. “What kind of surprise?”

“Yer ‘bout ta see, darlin’!”

He walks over to the porch and picks up the end of a string of lights and an extension cord.

“When did you put lights on the tree, Yondu?”

“Last night, after ever’body went ta bed. Y’all ready?”

Everyone nods and he plugs the end of the string of lights into the extension cord he’s holding. The yard is immediately lit as bright as though it’s the middle of the day.

Everyone shields their eyes against the glare.

“Geez, dad!”

Zoe squints to try to block out the light. “How many lights did you  _ use _ , Yondu?”

“Dunno. Lost count around the fifty-second box.”

“Your light bill’s gonna be through the roof, granddad.”

Yondu grins. “Nah, it ain’t. Hooked it up ta tha neighbor’s outlet.”

Zoe rubs her forehead and opens her mouth to respond, but Gregg beats her to it.

“Serves him right. I know he’s the one who’s been stealing all the fruit off our trees before we can pick them every year. C’mon, Yondu.”

“Where we goin’?”

“We’re going to get a tree that will fit in the house. Could use your help picking out a good one.”

_ Stay tuned for more episodes of… As the Ravager Turns _

**Author's Note:**

> If you like our work kudos are appreciated. If you love it comments are wonderful. If you have constructive criticism or questions let's talk. If you leave blatantly rude or negative comments, know that no hate is allowed here and will be deleted. And if you read our work and are too shy to interact right now, know that's okay too.
> 
> We can be found on Tumblr at https://astheravagerturns.tumblr.com where the Ravagers take questions and Yondu talks to his fans.


End file.
